| When our oldest son was 2, my wife went out | | | | their children as do the mothers, according |
| of town for a weekend. When a friend of hers | | | | to three independent surveys.Now here's the |
| called and I told her she was out of town, | | | | fact that shocks me - and to which knowing |
| she said"So you're home baby-sitting."My | | | | mothers everywhere will attest -researchers |
| response was"No, I'm home being a father."I'm | | | | have found no single child-rearing task for |
| sure my wife's friend meant no harm. It's | | | | which fathers bear primary |
| just that I dislike the assumption that if a | | | | responsibility.There's something screamingly, |
| father is with his children without his wife, | | | | horribly, terribly wrong here.At the same |
| then he is baby-sitting.Not so.He is being a | | | | time, there is more good news.More and more |
| father.It did get me thinking, however, about | | | | parents and professionals are making exciting |
| the role of fathers in our society.I suppose | | | | changes.One such change is the DADS Family |
| that I am one of the lucky ones. My dad was | | | | Project (Dads Actively Developing Stable |
| usually there for me; I always knew he cared | | | | Families) developed by therapists Larry |
| about me. He was easy to please and I knew he | | | | Barlow and Art Cleveland.According to Barlow |
| was proud of me.I also know that there is a | | | | and Cleveland, the program focuses on |
| growing number of children who have never had | | | | ``understanding the fathering received by the |
| and may never have that experience.According | | | | men in the group. We identify how to |
| to D. Blankenhorn in the book ``Fatherless | | | | establish a safe and secure home. Bonding |
| America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social | | | | skills feature play activities and |
| Problem,'' roughly 40 percent of American | | | | communication training. Also featured are |
| children will go to sleep tonight in homes in | | | | effective discipline techniques and stress |
| which their fathers do no live. Blankenhorn | | | | management.''Barlow and Cleveland offer the |
| writes that ``never before in this country | | | | following tips for fathers interested in |
| have so many children been voluntarily | | | | fathering. I've added a few of my own as |
| abandoned by their fathers.''That's strong | | | | well.1) First, an attitude shift is required. |
| language: ``voluntarily abandoned.'' It | | | | Fathering is not a part-time job. It is full |
| conjures, at worst, pictures of biological | | | | time, both in attitude and in hands-on |
| fathers who take absolutely no responsibility | | | | application.2) To paraphrase Margaret Mead, |
| for a child or might not even know one exists | | | | ``the future of society rests on the learned |
| to, at best, fathers that leave a family | | | | nurturing behavior of its men.'' Get involved |
| through divorce, disappearance or some other | | | | with the nurturing of your children. This |
| type of abandonment.But what about the type | | | | includes bathing, feeding, transporting, and |
| of father who is there but not there? They | | | | all the events of their lives. These are not |
| might be physically present, but they're | | | | just mothering activities, they are parenting |
| absent in an emotional, supportive sense.I | | | | activities.3) Remember that fathering is a |
| believe that there are many more of the | | | | process not an event. A process requires |
| there-but-not-there fathers than those that | | | | time.4) Consider how you were fathered. What |
| literally abandon their children.First, the | | | | do you want to do differently and what do you |
| good news.There have been improvements in the | | | | want to do the same?If you have a child or |
| past 30 years. According to Time magazine, | | | | children, then your challenge is to truly |
| the time fathers spend with their children | | | | father your children, to be a father in the |
| increased by a third between the '60s and the | | | | truest sense of the word. If you don't have |
| '80s.In addition, according to Time, in 1973 | | | | any children, then find a fatherless kid who |
| barely a quarter of fathers were present at | | | | needs your attention.There are people |
| the delivery of their children, while today | | | | depending on you.Visit for tips and tools for |
| over three-quarters are there for the | | | | creating and growing a great relationship. |
| birth.Now, the bad news.While we have made | | | | You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day |
| significant progress, it's not nearly | | | | e-program on how to enrich your relationship |
| enough.Here's just a sample of the work that | | | | today, from relationship coach and expert |
| remains.Again according to Time, fathers | | | | Jeff Herring. |
| spend only about two-fifths as much time with | | | | |