| When our oldest son was 2, my wife went out of | | | | Time, fathers spend only about two-fifths as much |
| town for a weekend. When a friend of hers called and | | | | time with their children as do the mothers, according to |
| I told her she was out of town, she said"So you're | | | | three independent surveys.Now here's the fact that |
| home baby-sitting."My response was"No, I'm home | | | | shocks me - and to which knowing mothers |
| being a father."I'm sure my wife's friend meant no | | | | everywhere will attest -researchers have found no |
| harm. It's just that I dislike the assumption that if a | | | | single child-rearing task for which fathers bear primary |
| father is with his children without his wife, then he is | | | | responsibility.There's something screamingly, horribly, |
| baby-sitting.Not so.He is being a father.It did get me | | | | terribly wrong here.At the same time, there is more |
| thinking, however, about the role of fathers in our | | | | good news.More and more parents and professionals |
| society.I suppose that I am one of the lucky ones. My | | | | are making exciting changes.One such change is the |
| dad was usually there for me; I always knew he cared | | | | DADS Family Project (Dads Actively Developing |
| about me. He was easy to please and I knew he was | | | | Stable Families) developed by therapists Larry Barlow |
| proud of me.I also know that there is a growing | | | | and Art Cleveland.According to Barlow and Cleveland, |
| number of children who have never had and may | | | | the program focuses on ``understanding the fathering |
| never have that experience.According to D. | | | | received by the men in the group. We identify how to |
| Blankenhorn in the book ``Fatherless America: | | | | establish a safe and secure home. Bonding skills |
| Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem,'' roughly | | | | feature play activities and communication training. Also |
| 40 percent of American children will go to sleep tonight | | | | featured are effective discipline techniques and stress |
| in homes in which their fathers do no live. Blankenhorn | | | | management.''Barlow and Cleveland offer the following |
| writes that ``never before in this country have so | | | | tips for fathers interested in fathering. I've added a few |
| many children been voluntarily abandoned by their | | | | of my own as well.1) First, an attitude shift is required. |
| fathers.''That's strong language: ``voluntarily abandoned.'' | | | | Fathering is not a part-time job. It is full time, both in |
| It conjures, at worst, pictures of biological fathers who | | | | attitude and in hands-on application.2) To paraphrase |
| take absolutely no responsibility for a child or might not | | | | Margaret Mead, ``the future of society rests on the |
| even know one exists to, at best, fathers that leave a | | | | learned nurturing behavior of its men.'' Get involved with |
| family through divorce, disappearance or some other | | | | the nurturing of your children. This includes bathing, |
| type of abandonment.But what about the type of | | | | feeding, transporting, and all the events of their lives. |
| father who is there but not there? They might be | | | | These are not just mothering activities, they are |
| physically present, but they're absent in an emotional, | | | | parenting activities.3) Remember that fathering is a |
| supportive sense.I believe that there are many more of | | | | process not an event. A process requires time.4) |
| the there-but-not-there fathers than those that literally | | | | Consider how you were fathered. What do you want |
| abandon their children.First, the good news.There have | | | | to do differently and what do you want to do the |
| been improvements in the past 30 years. According to | | | | same?If you have a child or children, then your |
| Time magazine, the time fathers spend with their | | | | challenge is to truly father your children, to be a father |
| children increased by a third between the '60s and the | | | | in the truest sense of the word. If you don't have any |
| '80s.In addition, according to Time, in 1973 barely a | | | | children, then find a fatherless kid who needs your |
| quarter of fathers were present at the delivery of their | | | | attention.There are people depending on you.Visit for |
| children, while today over three-quarters are there for | | | | tips and tools for creating and growing a great |
| the birth.Now, the bad news.While we have made | | | | relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 |
| significant progress, it's not nearly enough.Here's just a | | | | day e-program on how to enrich your relationship |
| sample of the work that remains.Again according to | | | | today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring. |