| "There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to | | | | can trust and turn to in times of trouble rather than |
| give our children. One is roots; the other, wings." - | | | | being inundated with designer clothes, shoes and toys. |
| Hodding Carter | | | | How often do we hear the complaint that kids |
| All parents want their children to develop into well | | | | now-a-days are too obsessed with material things. |
| adjusted adults, respected as much for the integrity of | | | | Perhaps it is time we, as parents, ask ourselves how |
| their character as for their professional skills. This | | | | much we have contributed to our children's obsessions. |
| doesn't just happen overnight. It takes years of patient | | | | A lot of people seem to have lost faith in their ability to |
| guidance, consistent discipline and above all, an | | | | be good parents, mistakenly thinking that they should |
| abundance of love that is tangible to the child even | | | | always be infallible. What we must never lose sight of |
| during the worst periods in their growing up - and | | | | is that for the most part, we do get it right and that our |
| believe me, there will be many of those, before you | | | | love for our children will guide our parental instincts. |
| can sit back and say with relief, "My work is done". | | | | Problems arise only when we do not learn from our |
| Many people equate an abundance of love with | | | | mistakes. Children seem to have an infinite capacity to |
| spoiling their child. I think that perhaps they have not | | | | forgive their parents if they know or feel that their |
| understood what the term LOVE means, especially as | | | | mothers and/or fathers are trying to do their very best |
| it relates to a child. Let us start with what it is not: | | | | for them. |
| 1) Love is not over-indulging your child, giving in to every | | | | Parents are only human - a fact that is often ignored |
| whim of his/hers because you feel guilty, tired, afraid | | | | by our kids and even more so, by ourselves. It is alright |
| you would lose your temper or scared that your kid | | | | to get angry or depressed, irritated or to just want |
| may not love you. | | | | some time to yourself. What is not alright is to let these |
| 2) Love is not harshly disciplining your children for | | | | feelings affect your behaviour towards your children. |
| every little broken rule in the mistaken belief that you | | | | How you handle your emotions is a good indicator of |
| are doing it for their good and if you don't punish them | | | | how your kids will manage theirs when they grow up. |
| often and hard, a life of turmoil and misery beckons. | | | | Rather than pretend that everything is fine, it would be |
| 3) Love is not protecting your kids from the natural | | | | better if you explained to your kids that you are upset |
| heart aches that come with growing up - whether it is | | | | about something and that you need sometime to work |
| a friend's betrayal, loss of a pet or loved one, not | | | | through the problem. Not only will the children be |
| getting something deeply longed for. | | | | relieved that they are not the reason for your turmoil, |
| 4) Love is not using emotional blackmail at any time or | | | | they will probably try hard not to upset you further. |
| for any reason in order to control them and get them | | | | Explaining the rationale for your actions to your children |
| to do what you want them to do. | | | | in terms they can understand teaches them empathy, |
| Love that is most beneficial to children is one that | | | | alleviates their concerns that they are the cause of |
| focuses on them and accepts them for the unique | | | | your distress and shows them how negative emotions |
| individuals that they are. To be a truly loving parent, we | | | | should be handled. |
| need to learn to be a bit dispassionate about our kids. | | | | Most parents have a hard time trying to decide |
| Even the most well meaning of parents tend to forget | | | | whether or not they should shield their young children |
| this. Unbiased love for your children helps you to focus | | | | from the harsh facts of life. War, famine, death - these |
| on the child, rather than the fact that he/she belongs to | | | | are constantly in the news. Closer to home it might be |
| you. You then learn to accept the possibilities and | | | | the prolonged illness or death of a close relative, friend, |
| limitations of each of your children and to marvel at | | | | or even a pet, the break up of a close friendship, |
| their individual potential. If there are no pre-conceived | | | | divorce, losing a job or home. There is no guarantee |
| expectations, there is less pressure on the child and | | | | that life will always be smooth sailing and the sooner |
| there are no feelings of disappointment in the parent. | | | | children are taught to face such situations with |
| When children sense that they are not being | | | | equanimity, the more resilient they will be when, as |
| measured against their siblings or friends, their | | | | adults, they have their own misfortunes to face. |
| confidence grows, there are less disciplinary issues | | | | Parenting can be stressful, it is often under valued and |
| and above all, they feel valued for themselves. | | | | unglamorous yet it can be and very often is uplifting |
| Learning to love our kids this way is one of the | | | | and provides some of our most precious memories. If |
| hardest lessons in parenting; it being so natural to think | | | | we remember to relax and enjoy our kids, love them |
| in terms of "My Children" with the emphasis on "My" | | | | for who they are, try to inculcate a strong personal |
| rather than on "Children". | | | | value system from a very early age, revel in their |
| Good parenting is a skill honed through trial and error. | | | | accomplishments and be a constant source of support |
| Most parents are so concerned about being good | | | | for them, we can be sure of doing a pretty good job. |
| parents that they tend to over compensate for their | | | | There is, of course, the added bonus of our own self |
| perceived inadequacies. They tend to overlook the | | | | improvement as we try to be more like the person we |
| fact that most kids prefer laughter, a home filled with | | | | want our children to emulate. |
| warmth and understanding and parents whom they | | | | |