| According to research conducted at the Josephson | | | | being. |
| Institute of Ethics in California, 92 percent of teens | | | | For years, I've coached parents several ways to stop, |
| surveyed admitted to lying to their parents at least | | | | listen, reflect, and question without sounding |
| once in the last year... and as the joke goes, "the other | | | | authoritative and provide an environment that |
| 8 percent lied about lying to their parents". It is pretty | | | | encourages dialogue and ownership of the decision |
| simple- teens just don't want to suffer the | | | | making process. |
| consequences of telling the truth. What's the harm in a | | | | Remember when we used to say to our young |
| "little white lie"? A lot is at stake when it comes to our | | | | children, "It's very cold outside. Do you think you need a |
| teenagers. | | | | jacket?" The choice was theirs. It is the same principle |
| We can't expect the teenager to tell us everything all | | | | but, whether we like it or not, now it comes with higher |
| the time, however, it is extremely important that we | | | | stakes. |
| create a safe environment that encourages | | | | The toughest part for most parents is to listen to their |
| conversation and the opportunity to teach our | | | | teens, respect their point of view, identify a rational |
| adolescent child how to make good decisions. Ironically, | | | | reasoning process, and then let them decide for |
| an adolescent often doesn't realize it's wrong to break | | | | themselves. |
| an agreement with their parent; they do so in an effort | | | | 2: Practice what you Preach - |
| to prove their autonomy or to connect with peers, | | | | If you drink without regard to acceptable limits or |
| sometimes, almost unconsciously, because they knew | | | | moderation, then they will believe the same holds for |
| you had a rule against it. | | | | them. If you demonstrate to them that lying to the door |
| It's fine that they are searching for their independence | | | | to door salesman is easier or stretching the truth with |
| and defining their own identities, but at the same time, | | | | your friends to ease your own discomfort is okay, |
| our children want guiding principles to help them in their | | | | they will do the same. |
| search for independence. | | | | Whether we like it or not, our children are a reflection |
| Our teens need their parent's guidance on how to | | | | of who we are. Setting a good example is critical to |
| make sound choices while spreading their wings. | | | | establishing reasonable boundaries for your teens. If |
| Here's What We As Parents Can Do To Help | | | | you demonstrate little regard for the rules you establish |
| Prevent Our Teens From Lying to Us - | | | | for your teens, they will place little value on them, too. |
| Starting Early - | | | | Simply calling the trump card is not enough; teens, by |
| Parents can model positive behaviors by being truthful | | | | and large, won't honor a rule based entirely on the fact |
| with their children when they are young and telling | | | | that you are their parent and that is the way it is. You |
| them you expect the same honesty in return. If they | | | | will get further if you practice what you preach. |
| catch you in a fib, they justify that it is okay to play the | | | | 3: Adult Responsibilities come with the Privileges, too - |
| same game, but, over time, they up the ante, especially | | | | A teen once told me that his parents expect him to |
| as young adolescents. | | | | carry his own weight by holding down several jobs. |
| Our children are never too young to understand the | | | | They have taught him to be quite responsible; |
| concept of being honest. Unfortunately, our society | | | | however, they treat him like a child with curfews and |
| adheres to the philosophy that, at times, it is truly more | | | | ground rules unfitting a responsible young adult. |
| convenient to lie. | | | | Let your teen prove them self. |
| We rationalize that it saves the recipient from | | | | Take baby steps if necessary but match the level of |
| unnecessary pain or embarrassment or that it | | | | responsibility you require of them with the level of |
| simplifies uncomfortable circumstances by minimizing | | | | freedom you grant them to make rational decisions. |
| the process of explaining one's point of view. | | | | Wouldn't you rather be involved in the decision making |
| What's wrong with telling the truth? | | | | process now when you are available to coach them |
| It is the projection of how the other person is going to | | | | rather than having them learn it on their own when |
| receive the information. | | | | they go off to college? As they learn from both good |
| Isn't that really the case with dishonesty? | | | | and bad experiences by holding down a job, let them |
| Are we not more concerned with the receipt of the | | | | have the same experiences with making decisions in |
| information than the delivery? That is exactly the root | | | | their personal life. That's the challenge facing most |
| of problem with our teens sharing the truth. They are | | | | parents of teens but is well worth it in the end. |
| hesitant because they don't want to deal with the | | | | The Center for Effective Parenting recommends that |
| reaction to the truth. Teens, like adults, lie for a number | | | | parents, "discuss why telling the truth is important... |
| of reasons in an effort to avoid confrontation or | | | | telling the truth lets other people know that they can be |
| evade a consequence imposed by their parents. | | | | trusted." |
| Let's identify four of the reasons we, as parents, | | | | 4: Rules that are Embraced by Teens are Essential - |
| encourage our kids to lie to us. | | | | I don't think there is a human being alive that gets |
| 1: We Freak Out | | | | excited about a restriction that is imposed upon them |
| No wonder the teen has chosen to go silent when | | | | without having an opportunity for their input. |
| their experience of telling the truth results in us | | | | Developing a process where the teen has an |
| launching off into ranting and raving about the | | | | opportunity to take ownership in the family agreements |
| ignorance and carelessness of their actions. | | | | will result in greater adherence than those that are |
| The knee-jerk reaction is to impose consequences or, | | | | imposed arbitrarily. Granted, there may be rules that |
| at the very least, point out how they have made a | | | | the teen may not agree with initially but it is essential |
| gross error in judgment. Now, honestly, how excited | | | | that parent's take the time to rationalize the thought |
| would you be if every time you shared a new | | | | process behind the ground rule. This may require a |
| adventure with someone, they scoffed at you? There | | | | willingness on both sides to start with a ground rule and |
| is a direct correlation between a strict parent or an | | | | be open to renegotiating down the road. |
| overly opinionated parent and the degree of | | | | Consideration should be given to the demonstration of |
| dishonesty they will receive from their budding teen. | | | | the teen's adherence to the ground rule in a |
| I believe the overly strict parent, in a genuine effort to | | | | responsible way. Should a new ground rule meet with |
| curb their teen's risk of making bad decisions, only fuel | | | | resistance, begin with a starting point, define a pattern |
| the fire. At this age, it is the job, the duty, of the teen to | | | | of behavior that would demonstrate responsibility, and |
| push their limits. They want to challenge their | | | | establish a timeline for renegotiation where both parties |
| boundaries at every opportunity. It is the parent's role | | | | can embrace the ground rule. |
| to establish clearly defined boundaries, based on | | | | Freedom is greatest when the boundaries are drawn. |
| rational guidelines, and then support the child to make | | | | When I coach parents and teens, I like to promote |
| good decisions within the framework of those | | | | clearly defining boundaries, establishing agreements |
| boundaries. | | | | that are embraced by both parent and child, and |
| If you are going to error, I advocate in the direction of | | | | creating a safe environment where honesty and |
| listening to your teen about their interest in drinking, for | | | | mutual respect is honored. |
| example, and identify the risks and consequences of | | | | Parenting teenagers is not an easy task. So, now we |
| their decision, rather than encouraging them to be | | | | know why teens lie to parents, what are you going to |
| dishonest and put them in greater harms way by | | | | do to help you and your teen life a happier... more |
| forcing them to make decisions from fewer choices | | | | fulfilled... (and more honest) life? If you are parenting a |
| available to them that may lead to deception and | | | | teenager, today is the time to take action to start |
| compromise their health, their safety, and their well | | | | setting your teen on the path to success and honesty. |