| Does your teenager not follow though with your | | | | in their lives. In the following situations, rate how often |
| requests, not complete tasks or not follow though with | | | | your teen's defiance is creating impairment by |
| general rules and standards of conduct that they used | | | | answering rarely, sometimes, often, very often: |
| to adhere to? If so, your teenager is demonstrating | | | | 1. In home life with the family |
| some level of defiance. Defiance can mean | | | | 2. In social interactions with peers |
| noncompliance (not doing what is asked or following | | | | 3. In school |
| expectations) or resistance (blatantly challenging or | | | | 4. In community activities |
| opposing rules or expectations). In the moment | | | | 5. In sports, clubs, or other activities |
| resistance can feel much worse, however, over time | | | | 6. In learning to take care of themselves |
| both can be extremely frustrating and worrisome. | | | | 7. In play, leisure, or recreational activities |
| One of the questions I have been asked repeatedly by | | | | 8. In handling daily chores or other responsibilities |
| parents of teenagers is whether their teenager's | | | | A final factor you should examine is related to how |
| behavior is "typical teenage behavior" or a real | | | | much emotional distress your teenager's defiance is |
| problem. This is a question that keeps parents up at | | | | causing others. Emotional distress occurs when there |
| night and causes them significant stress and worry | | | | are strong negative emotions which can include anger, |
| (with good reason!). There is a distinction (although | | | | sadness, depression, frustration, etc. Below, rate how |
| generally not completely clear) between typical | | | | your teen's behavior impacts your family's emotional |
| teenage defiance and excessive defiance that may | | | | distress by answering none, very little, moderate, a lot, |
| indicate a real problem. | | | | or very much. |
| Defiance can be verbal (yelling, whining, complaining, | | | | 1. Emotional distress I feel |
| swearing, lying, arguing, insulting, crying, back talking, etc), | | | | 2. Emotional distress that my spouse feels |
| physical (defying, throwing tantrums, running away, | | | | 3. Emotional distress my other children feel |
| stealing, etc), aggressive (throwing things, destroying | | | | If you rated emotional distress as moderate or higher |
| property, fighting, using weapons, cruelty towards | | | | for at least one person in your home, your teen is likely |
| others, breaking and entering, etc) or passive | | | | demonstrating defiance that is above that of a typical |
| noncompliance (ignoring directions or requests, failing to | | | | teenager. |
| complete chores or homework, ignoring basic day to | | | | If you determine that your teenager's defiance may be |
| day routines, etc). Your teenager's defiance may look | | | | above the "typical teen" threshold you can take steps |
| like one or a mixture of these. | | | | to help this situation. Some communication techniques |
| So, back to the question of whether your teen's | | | | can be very helpful in such situations (see other |
| defiance is normal or a real problem. The first thing you | | | | newsletters / articles related to communication with |
| want to identify is whether your teenager's defiance is | | | | teens) since in order for there to be defiance there |
| worse than most teenager's defiance. To assess this, | | | | needs to be at least two parties involved in the conflict. |
| answer the questions below with rarely, sometimes, | | | | Sometimes professional help is necessary to help both |
| often, very often: | | | | with assessment and the treatment of whatever may |
| During the last 6 months my teen has: | | | | be going on for your teenager. If your teen's defiance |
| 1. Lost his/her temper | | | | includes criminal activity, you should most definitely |
| 2. Argued with adults | | | | seek professional help. Finally, coaching can be helpful |
| 3. Actively refused to comply with rules or requests | | | | for parents who are looking for specific techniques |
| 4. Deliberately annoyed people | | | | they can use to change the patterns of behavior in |
| 5. Blamed others for his/her mistakes or behaviors | | | | their home. It is helpful to remember that your teenager |
| 6. Been touchy or easily annoyed by others | | | | could very well feel as miserable as you do when you |
| 7. Been angry and resentful | | | | are on the receiving end of their defiance. Most people |
| 8. Been spiteful or vindictive | | | | don't like feeling like they are constantly in conflict or in |
| If you had 4 or more questions with an answer of | | | | trouble so learning some subtle ways of changing the |
| often or very often, your teenager is demonstrating | | | | dynamic in the home can reap very positive benefits |
| more defiant behavior than the typical teenager. If you | | | | for both you and your teen. |
| answered often or very often for two or three | | | | Much of the information for this article was taken from |
| questions, your teenager is demonstrating slightly more | | | | the book Your Defiant Teen: 10 Steps to Resolve |
| defiant behavior than other teens. | | | | Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship, by Russell |
| Another factor you should examine is whether your | | | | Barkley, PhD and Arthur Robin, PhD. |
| teenager's defiant behavior is creating any impairment | | | | |