| There is a fine line between leading a child to apologize | | | | The lesson is taught or un-taught in your way of |
| or feel regret and remorse and causing the child to | | | | responding to your child's inappropriate behavior. |
| feel emotionally unraveled by an overwhelming sense | | | | Before you can effectively re-direct the child into more |
| of guilt. We don't want children to say "I'm sorry" | | | | appropriate action, you need to really forgive the child |
| because they feel forced to do so, but because they | | | | for what he has done. In the absence of your true |
| genuinely care about the feelings of another. So what | | | | forgiveness, we lead the child with an attitude of |
| we are really after is promoting the child's | | | | resentment, which incites the child's distrust, |
| development of compassionate consideration for the | | | | defensiveness and defiance. Forgiveness of the child is |
| feelings, needs and interests of others. We do this first | | | | based on understanding the factors that contribute to |
| by consistently demonstrating caring sensitivity, with | | | | a child's misconduct, including the child's tiredness, |
| deep understanding of the child's real needs, in our | | | | hunger, exposure to overly harsh discipline, receiving of |
| relationship with the child. | | | | too little close connection and too much cold direction |
| To the extent that you relate insensitively with the child, | | | | and correction, exposure to someone modeling the |
| ignoring his legitimate expressions of need; relating in | | | | poor behavior, etc. |
| ways that cause him to feel ignored, left out or | | | | Understanding the contributing factors and forgiving |
| overlooked; react so harshly to his mistakes that he | | | | your child does not mean that you do not address the |
| feels insecure about your love and the reliability of your | | | | behavior problem. Usually, the best way to address an |
| needed support - to that extent, you lead the child by | | | | inappropriate behavior is by eliminating the surrounding |
| your example into similarly uncaring, inattentive, | | | | influences that contribute to it and giving the child a |
| non-responsive ways of relating with others. | | | | clear signal about the behavior you will and will not |
| Every child is showing you how to effectively lead her | | | | tolerate. But it is crucial that the way you deliver that |
| into more caring, responsible self-conduct, but you | | | | clear signal in no way causes the child to feel so hurt |
| have to observe the child closely, with your heart and | | | | by you that she feels more attacked than truly |
| mind, as well as with your eyes and ears, open and | | | | supported. |
| alert to sense how to help this specific child fulfill her | | | | Respecting your child's feelings is a crucial practice for |
| higher potential. Too often parents and other | | | | teaching your child to recognize and respect innocence |
| caregivers bark out corrections and lay guilt-trips on | | | | and everyone's worthiness of love. As you |
| the child as if that is automatically the way to lead, but | | | | demonstrate awareness of and respect for your |
| that often causes the child to feel hurt, resentful and | | | | child's feelings, you nurture, strengthen and support his |
| more inclined to rebel than to cooperate. | | | | ability to recognize respect the sacred heart of |
| Real forgiveness is definitely something that can be | | | | innocence in himself and others. |
| taught, and it is also something that can be un-taught. | | | | |