| In this modern age of blended families, it's not unusual | | | | if you fly into a fury over a missed bedtime you'll |
| to find yourself falling in love with a woman who has | | | | reinforce all their worst fears about having a |
| children from a previous marriage. You are not their | | | | stepfather. |
| father, but you still have some responsibility toward | | | | 3. Be supportive and positive. |
| them because of your relationship with their mom. | | | | Congratulate your step kid when she gets a good |
| Figuring out the best way to handle it, walking a fine | | | | grade on a test, and show interest in their lives and |
| line between stranger and family, can be difficult - for | | | | their schoolwork. Don't be surprised if they grumble or |
| both you and for the kids. | | | | downplay the achievement - remember, they aren't |
| There is a reason that the "wicked stepmother" is | | | | sure how to act with you, either, but if you keep |
| such a powerful image in children's literature. The idea | | | | showing that you like and care about them, they'll |
| of a new person coming in and taking the place of a | | | | appreciate it. |
| beloved parent is scary for kids, and they can act out | | | | 4. Recognize emotions, both theirs and your own. |
| in all sorts of unpleasant ways. | | | | Everybody has ups and downs, and they can be |
| It can make it difficult to show them the sort of love | | | | especially intense for children. Acknowledge that they'll |
| that they require - partly because it's tough for the | | | | be sad once in awhile, especially if there are visitation |
| stepparent to know just what is appropriate. | | | | and custody issues between their mother and her ex. |
| But even if parenting is an entirely new concept to you, | | | | Respect their feelings just as you would want yours |
| there are a few things that you can remember: | | | | respected, and don't insist that they put on a big, fake |
| 1. Talk to the children's mother about your role. | | | | smile all the time to "prove" they're happy. |
| In many households, the stepfather is given absolutely | | | | The same goes for you - be emotionally honest, and |
| no say in disciplining the children. Sometimes it's | | | | don't try to be jolly all the time because you think that'll |
| because the mother doesn't want to give up the | | | | make for a happier family. Let your stepchildren get to |
| control of being the sole parental influence. Or it could | | | | know the real you, even when you're cranky, tired or |
| be that it seems easier for all involved, so that | | | | stressed out. |
| arguments of the "you're not my dad" type can be | | | | Just don't take it out on them, and talk honestly about |
| side-stepped. | | | | your feelings instead. |
| This decision is, of course, up to you and your wife. But | | | | 5. Put punishment into perspective. |
| part of being a good parent is fair, firm discipline, and if | | | | Punishing mistakes or bad behavior is often the least |
| you aren't given any rights in this regard it can create | | | | effective technique for getting kids to behave. The |
| real confusion and disharmony in your family. | | | | most successful way to deal with potential problems is |
| Make the decision, instead, to discuss all matters of | | | | discuss with your wife ways to set reasonable |
| discipline between the two of you for awhile, and form | | | | expectations and what to do if they aren't met. Limiting |
| a united front. That way, the kids will begin to see you | | | | television, Internet use and cellphone calls if homework |
| as parent, too, and not just the new guy that Mom | | | | isn't completed is one way to handle a problem. |
| brought home. | | | | Doling out "credit" for extra TV time if they do chores |
| 2. Choose your battles wisely. | | | | is another. Kids do best when they know what the |
| Children constantly test boundaries, doubly so with | | | | rules are and what will happen if they don't fulfill their |
| stepparents. It might start with a refusal to go to bed | | | | obligations - and it'll make it easier for you as a |
| on time, or to turn down the stereo, or to help with | | | | stepfather to enforce those rules if everyone has |
| dishes. After your requests have been ignored a few | | | | agreed on what they are. |
| times, you may find yourself starting to get angry. | | | | The most important secret to being a good stepfather |
| Take a step back and put it into perspective. Think | | | | is simply to be patient and loving. Your role in the family |
| about what will be more important a year - or five | | | | will be established in time - in the beginning, just be the |
| years - from now, having developed a relationship or | | | | kindest, most giving person you can be, and you will |
| getting the dishes done. | | | | soon find that your stepchildren accept you as a |
| Your stepchildren are trying to find out what kind of | | | | parent. |
| person you are and what your relationship will be, and | | | | |