Stay-at-home Moms Can Maintain Their Self Identity

Many mothers who are stay-at-home parents losedaughter visited me along with her toddler. We were
their sense of self in the process of caretaking forwalking down the street during a shopping trip and my
their children. A woman's natural instinct to "protect hergranddaughter fell down at one point. I reached over to
flock" may come into direct conflict with developing apick her up and my daughter intervened. "Dad, leave
strong self-identity.her alone. Let her handle this by herself." My daughter
Often, mother's "lose themselves" by giving theirwas right. Malia was not hurt and was capable of
power away in relationships, particularly with theirgetting up on her own. Step back, fight the urge to
children. They may develop a connection with theirpursue and let children handle their journey to learn
children, but it may be established in an unhealthynew skills.
manner. One of my parental slogans is, "Never do forIt is imperative that stay-at-home moms create a life
a child what she can do for herself." Mothers mayapart from their children. Developing a business from
over function on behalf on their children, giving awayhome, joining parenting support groups, spending time
their sense of self while inhibiting their kids' opportunitywith adult friends and volunteering a small amount of
to become self directed.one's time are important ways of refocusing one's
In order to create a positive self-image, stay-at homeenergy and validating personal identity. Finding
mothers need to learn to set personal boundaries.someone to care-take for the children may be difficult,
Sometimes, parents unknowingly become an extensionbut necessary. Hopefully, a partner is a team player in
of their children. They may vicariously live through theirthis regard and provides the mom with time away
children and meet their needs in this manner. Anfrom her children. This is in the best interest of the adult
example is the parent who becomes overlyrelationship as well as the adult-child relationship.
enmeshed in their child's activities. They mayMothers may make excuses as to why a baby-sitter
inadvertently put pressure on a child to performdoesn't meet their expectations. Part of maintaining a
admirably to compensate for their own perceivedself-identity for the mother is learning to let go of the
shortcomings.children and allowing the children to be "raised by the
A confident stay-at-home mother needs to be able tovillage." If a stay-at-home mother desires to create a
distinguish herself from her children. Personalhealthy sense of self, she needs to learn to entrust her
boundaries should not be blurred. A mother must bechildren to significant others.
able to step back and evaluate her behavior. Are mySuggestions to assist stay-at-home moms in creating
feelings separate from those of my children, or do Iand maintaining a strong self-image are:o Don't be an
get swallowed up in the burden of how theyoverly-possessive mother. In doing so, you give your
experience life? Are most of my needs tied up in thepower away to your children.o Listen and respond to
caretaking process for my children? Do I haveyour own needs. This is not being selfish but honest
separate wants, desires and needs apart from thoseand empowering.o Always trying to please your
of my children?children will backfire. They will not respect you and you
I think an empowered mother must learn what I callwill not respect yourself.o If your children make
"detached identification." Mothers are responsible tomistakes it is not a reflection on you. Remember you
their children, not for them. Understanding this distinctionare ok as long as you allow children to become
determines whether a stay-at-home mother willself-directed through learning from their own
cultivate a vital sense of self. Often parents are unableexperiences.o Create a life for yourself apart from
to distinguish their thoughts, feelings, and behavior fromyour children. Involve family, friends and significant
the pattern of their children. They may worry endlesslyothers to support you in your self-rewarding activities.o
about their children instead of demonstratingEradicate the words "selfish" and "guilty" from your
appropriate concern. Worrying erodes confidence.vocabulary. They are words that diminish your worth
Appropriate concern empowers a mother toand keep you from developing confidence.o
problem-solve new ways of assisting their children inRecognize the harsh reality that your children don't
managing problems.always need you. It's amazing what they can do for
Some mother's groups advocate what I call "extremethemselves.o Let go of the illusion of being the perfect
parenting." The parental bonding process does notmother. Parenting is an art. Having to be perfect puts
take into consideration the mother's well-being andan unreasonable burden on you.
personal identity. There are groups that advocate thatStay-at-home moms can develop confidence and feel
the stay-at-home co-sleep with her children on aempowered if they can learn to meet their own needs
regular nightly basis as a connecting experience. In myapart from their children. Setting appropriate
opinion, this practice is unhealthy for the child as well asboundaries, being assertive, and giving your children
the mother.appropriate space with encouragement will enhance a
At times, a mother will pursue her children when itmother's sense of self-determination and confidence.
would be better to fight that urge. Recently, my