| I watched an interesting thing today. My wife and I | | | | Brinksmanship may be a term with which you are not |
| were at a basketball game in which our sixth-grade | | | | familiar. Not every teacher or parent knows the |
| granddaughter competed in a cramped middle school | | | | definition but they have lived the experience. |
| gym. This team, that had lost every game up to today, | | | | Brinksmanship is the seemingly innate ability children |
| played almost flawlessly and won the game 40 to 8. | | | | have to figure out the literal meaning of a rule and play |
| The girls played like a team and were a joy to behold. | | | | around on the brink of explicit disobedience. A simple |
| But one thing was very different today. | | | | example would be if a mom said to the kids, "No |
| The highest scorer on our team was phenomenal. She | | | | cookies after dinner tonight." The obvious intent is that |
| stole the ball, she moved the ball, and passed to | | | | the kids can't have a desert. If little Susie gets caught |
| teammates. She drove the ball to the basket and | | | | later sneaking an ice cream bar from the refrigerator, |
| scored time and time again. She did everything her | | | | her defense is that mom did not say, "No ice cream |
| father had been yelling from the sidelines for her to do | | | | bars." Kids are experts at this. I can feel you nodding |
| for the last six games. He had especially been shouting | | | | your heads right now. Brinksmanship generates what |
| (very loudly) for her to not just stand there but to | | | | feels like endless arguing between children and their |
| dribble and move the ball. Well, today she moved the | | | | parents. |
| ball all over the court. What was interesting is today is | | | | Other Examples |
| the first time she did all those things. And today is the | | | | It is not within the scope of this article to go into great |
| first game that her father missed. Was this a | | | | detail, but there are many other categories of |
| coincidence? I don't think so. She demonstrated the | | | | resistance, all the way from work slowdowns to |
| concept of resistance. A deep understanding of this | | | | outright sabotage to cause work to cease altogether. |
| concept can make you a better parent, teacher, or | | | | The history of labor unions is a rich area of study to |
| boss. | | | | understand the concept and application of resistance. |
| The Concept of Resistance | | | | Resistance can quite literally be the wrench in the |
| NOTE: Skip over this part if you are not into theory but | | | | works that stops everything from working. |
| I find it interesting. | | | | The literature related to slavery is also replete with |
| McLaren (1994) defined resistance on the part of | | | | references to resistance. I remember reading a journal |
| members of a subordinate social class as ways in | | | | entry of a slave owner prior to the civil war. He wrote |
| which they reject "their reformulation as docile objects" | | | | that he just couldn't understand why his black slaves |
| (p. 196). Depending upon the context, resistance may | | | | could not move faster or why they had so many |
| be manifested in many ways such as work | | | | accidents that lost time and productivity. If you were a |
| slowdowns, feigned ignorance, public denial of hurt | | | | slave, how hard would you be willing to work to enrich |
| feelings, or sabotage. | | | | your owner? Would you maybe instead shuffle along |
| Now, let me put on my "What the heck does all that | | | | slowly, talk slowly, not know anything, and have a lot of |
| stuff mean?" hat and translate in easily understood | | | | accidents? I know I would. Their behavior did not make |
| terms. Resistance means: | | | | sense to the slave owner because he did not |
| No one likes to be mistreated (or to perceive they are | | | | understand resistance. |
| being mistreated) and there will be consequences for | | | | The Application to Parenting |
| those who mistreat others. If they are more powerful | | | | The subtext to this article would maybe be the |
| than we are, we will resist them in ways that may be | | | | common saying, "Pick your battles." |
| hard to identify. | | | | If you are the type of parent who believes that the |
| It is a way of getting even, of using the only power left | | | | core of good parenting is to have rules and enforce |
| to those who have little power: the power of going | | | | them, you are in for a lot of grief. You will continually |
| beyond non-cooperation to resisting the goals of those | | | | set up situations that will encourage resistance. Your |
| who are mistreating us. | | | | kids will withhold the gratification you need to be |
| Examples of Resistance | | | | encouraged as a parent. They will make brinksmanship |
| Since this is not a formal journal article but a more | | | | an art form and argue with you continually using the |
| informal article to help parents, I'd like to share a couple | | | | literal definition of your rules. The most common word |
| of examples of resistance but withhold the references | | | | out of their mouths will be "but." They will never move |
| as they can distract and slow your reading. | | | | fast enough nor do their work well enough to please |
| Example One: Resistance by Withholding Gratification | | | | you. Why--because they are punishing you for |
| One of the most memorable examples I've come | | | | operating from a base of rules instead of love, |
| across was a study done in a typical urban high | | | | communication, and respect. |
| school. The researcher sat in the rear of the | | | | If, on the other hand, you are a thoughtful parent who |
| classroom and became so much a fixture in the | | | | takes the time to listen to your children and talk things |
| classroom that students behaved as if she were not | | | | through with them, you will minimize the natural reaction |
| there. What she recorded was behavior of resistance. | | | | of resistance with which they seem to be born. |
| The way it worked was that the teacher--who did not | | | | What Can You Do? |
| relate well with the students and talked down to | | | | My suggestion is that the most important thing is to |
| them--made the mistake of revealing what was | | | | recognize resistance and to try to head it off before it |
| important to her. She was in love with a certain part of | | | | gets entrenched. In other words, don't exasperate your |
| her subject and when she taught that area she would | | | | children. I'm not in any way saying don't have high |
| get animated and passionate about it. In response, | | | | standards and don't enforce them. I am saying don't |
| students acted more distracted and less involved than | | | | make up stupid rules and think good parenting is being |
| normal and never gave her the satisfaction of feeling | | | | an inflexible tyrant. All good relationships involve |
| as if they were learning anything. What was most | | | | negotiation! |
| noteworthy about the study was the way students | | | | This article is highly related to my article entitled, "Two |
| would, when the teacher's back was turned, smile at | | | | Kinds of Parents." The insights in that article might be |
| each other after acting out their resistance and noting | | | | helpful in expanding some of the ideas laid out here. |
| the exasperation of the teacher. They found what | | | | I hope this has been helpful and has added a tool to |
| was important to her and resisted by withholding the | | | | your parenting tool belt. |
| involvement that would have made the teacher happy. | | | | Live long and parent well! |
| Example Two: Resistance by Brinksmanship | | | | |