| One of the greatest gifts you as a parent can give | | | | feelings get strong in intensity that they become hard |
| your child or teen is the ability to handle their emotions. | | | | to handle. At that point feelings become like a "hot |
| Said another way, teaching children how to identify, | | | | potato" and need to be gotten rid of quickly. In other |
| reflect on, and deal with their feelings by the time they | | | | words, when feelings get too intense is when children |
| leave home is one of the best ways to prepare them | | | | teens will often say and do things like misbehave, |
| for adulthood. In fact, it is my opinion that emotional | | | | throw a fit, talk back, withdraw, etc. So one way to |
| strength and ability will take a person much farther in | | | | keep a child/teen from misbehaving, withdrawing, etc. is |
| life than intellectual ability or a specific ability (like athletic | | | | to increase their ability to tolerate their feelings; that is, |
| or artistic ability). | | | | the greater their capacity for sitting with intense |
| So what does it mean to identify and handle feelings? | | | | feelings the less likely they are to need to get rid of |
| Well, to identify feelings simply means to name them | | | | them (discharge them) via misbehavior. |
| accurately. To handle feelings means to sit with them | | | | How do you as a parent help your child/teen tolerate |
| and be able to tolerate the intensity of them. But how | | | | their feelings more so they are less likely to act out? |
| is it that teaching your child/teen to do these two | | | | You can think of it as a two step process. First, help |
| things will prepare them for adulthood? The brief | | | | them identify what they are feeling by asking them |
| answer is that the events in anyone's life stir up all | | | | directly. (If they say, "I don't know," then you can make |
| kinds of intense feelings inside them. If a child/teen | | | | guesses with them at what they might be feeling.) |
| cannot tolerate and handle intense feelings, then acting | | | | Second, "be there" with them, that is, sit with them and |
| impulsively or avoiding/withdrawing may be done, often | | | | stay engaged mentally with them for a brief time. |
| to their detriment. So let's look at this issue in some | | | | (Keep in mind that just by being with them, whether it's |
| detail. | | | | one minute or thirty minutes, communicates that you |
| To identify feelings is not a simple thing. In fact, in my | | | | aren't scared off by the intensity of what they are |
| work as a psychologist I find that not only children and | | | | feeling.) |
| adolescents but most adults have a hard time | | | | Okay, so now that you know a little more about how |
| accurately identifying their feelings. For example, when I | | | | to help your child/teen identify and handle their feelings, |
| ask clients what they are feeling about a situation, | | | | how can this be helpful in terms of preparing them for |
| words like "upset" and "frustrated" are common | | | | adulthood? Put simply, their increased ability to identify |
| responses. And while those are certainly words that | | | | and handle feelings will allow them to be more patient |
| describe emotions, they don't go very far in terms of | | | | when confronted by situations in adulthood that cause |
| detail. In fact, it's similar to someone looking at a buffet | | | | intense emotions in them. And more patience will lead |
| in a restaurant and saying there is "food" rather than | | | | to them being more likely to mentally sit back and |
| naming the many different food items. So for a person | | | | reflect on possible solutions to the situation in front of |
| to say, "I'm feeling upset," actually implies the possibility | | | | them. And of course, more patience and more |
| of many different feelings. | | | | reflection on most situations in life will lead to better |
| To handle feelings is also not a simple thing. Feelings | | | | outcomes. |
| can range from weak to strong in intensity. It's when | | | | |