| Do you ever feel as if your relationship with your child | | | | appropriately in order to get more autonomy. And |
| has become one long, drawn-out (and exhausting) | | | | parents, in turn, need to teach their kids that with |
| power struggle? If you're in this situation, it probably | | | | autonomy comes responsibility and accountability. |
| seems like you simply progress from nagging your | | | | Children are looking to be more independent and make |
| child over dirty laundry on the floor in the morning to | | | | more decisions, but they should not be allowed to |
| arguing over bedtime at night. As they get older, | | | | argue in an abusive, hurtful or obnoxious way. Here's |
| power struggles get more entrenched as your child | | | | the bottom line: kids have to learn how to have power |
| pushes against the rules: they start asking for things | | | | struggles with their parents in a way that is not a |
| like the keys to the car and permission to go to all-night | | | | personal attack. |
| parties, "because all their friends' parents said 'yes.'" | | | | Look at it this way: when a police officer pulls you |
| Power is one of the strategies people use to get their | | | | over, if you don't agree that you've made a mistake in |
| needs and wants met. As children grow, you will see | | | | traffic, you might find yourself in a power struggle with |
| them trying to gain power in order to get more | | | | him. If you get out of your car and start screaming, |
| autonomy and control over their lives. When your child | | | | that won't get you anywhere. Instead, you try the |
| was an infant, you had almost all the power. He | | | | tactic of calmly and respectfully explain your position. |
| communicated that he was hungry or uncomfortable | | | | Whether or not he still gives you a ticket, you've been |
| by crying; that was the only power he had. As your | | | | able to present your viewpoint in a way that doesn't |
| child grew older, he took on more responsibility-and | | | | get you into more trouble, and might in fact solve your |
| with more responsibility came more power. He learned | | | | problem. In the same way, ultimately we want kids to |
| to pick up after himself, and he also learned that | | | | learn how to advocate for themselves by engaging in |
| refusing to do chores gave him some power. He | | | | actions and conversations which increase their |
| learned to do his homework-and refusing to do it also | | | | autonomy-without getting them into more trouble. |
| gave him power. Remember, there is no such thing as | | | | So know that it's normal for kids, and especially teens, |
| positive or negative power: it's simply power with | | | | to get into power struggles. That testing, pushing and |
| positive or negative ends. | | | | challenging of your authority, no matter how difficult to |
| There are many things in life that are empowering. | | | | deal with at times, is your child's job. As he matures, his |
| Certainly information, knowledge and communication | | | | goal is to separate and individuate from you-to form |
| skills are empowering in a constructive way. And also | | | | his own opinions and feelings about things. Part of that |
| sadly, violence, abuse, and threats can be empowering | | | | process includes the desire for more power and |
| in a destructive way. If kids learn the latter lesson at | | | | control over his life; your goal is to make sure he tests |
| any point in their development, they can become | | | | those boundaries without being abusive or threatening. |
| entrenched in a way of behaving where they use | | | | Often, parents don't want to expand a child's circle of |
| acting out, threats and verbal abuse to get what they | | | | control over his own life as fast as the child would like. |
| want. I personally believe this is a dangerous path for | | | | At the same time, kids want more control. So parents |
| kids to start heading down, and encourage parents to | | | | are constantly pushing against that wall to hold it |
| take this behavior very seriously when it first develops. | | | | steady, while the child is pushing back from the other |
| You vs. Your Child: Perception is Everything | | | | side. Certainly, by the time kids are 13, 14, 15 or 16, |
| Know that when kids engage in power struggles with | | | | they're questioning the rules you've set for them. |
| you, although it may feel like they're trying to control | | | | They're pounding on that wall with a sledgehammer, |
| you, generally they don't think of it this way. They just | | | | asking, "Why can't I go to the concert? Why can't I |
| feel like whatever is going on isn't fair-or that it's not | | | | wear make-up? Why can't I borrow the car tonight?" |
| their fault. In fact, they probably aren't even aware | | | | Their confrontation of your limits becomes stronger |
| they're testing your power. They see it as, "I don't want | | | | and stronger as they get older. So defiant power |
| to clean my room now. I just want to watch T.V." Or | | | | struggles can increase in frequency and intensity |
| "You're old fashioned, you just don't understand." | | | | unless parents know how to manage them. |
| And that's their actual perception-most of the time | | | | Why It's a Mistake to Give in to Defiant Power |
| they're really seeing it that way. Most children and | | | | Struggles |
| teens don't perceive life the same way their adult | | | | Almost all kids become increasingly resistant to |
| parents do. As adults, we often mistakenly think kids | | | | parental authority as they grow older. For many kids, |
| see the same picture we do, so we might wonder | | | | that resistance is acted out in socially acceptable |
| "What's the problem?" when they start arguing with us. | | | | ways. But some kids really get entrenched in power |
| But most kids don't have the adult ability to perceive | | | | struggles. They become defiant, not just resistant. Their |
| the totality of what's going on. And not only are they | | | | most common answer is "No, I'm not going to do it." |
| developmentally immature, but there are certain | | | | When you tell them there will be consequences, they'll |
| obstacles that can block them from developing that | | | | tell you they don't care. |
| awareness in an age-appropriate manner. There may | | | | For those kids who learn that defiance helps them get |
| be diagnosed (or undiagnosed) learning disabilities, | | | | their way, you'll see their urge to become defiant grow |
| which cause distortions in their thinking. The end result | | | | stronger and stronger. A typical trap many parents fall |
| is that they become willing to fight everyone and | | | | into is developing a pattern of giving in as the child |
| everything in order to get their way. | | | | wears them down. After that, any time the parents |
| Teenagers especially see the world very differently | | | | resist, the kid thinks, "Well, if I push a little more, then |
| than parents. While parents are concerned about | | | | they'll give in." And so the child can escalate forever. In |
| safety and want their kids to avoid doing high risk | | | | effect, the child is confronting the boundaries you've |
| things, teens may feel as if they're being held back | | | | created, and will keep confronting them until they no |
| from doing things that appear reasonable and | | | | longer exist... |
| legitimate to them. This becomes even more complex | | | | The truth is, you really can't win with somebody who's |
| when kids discover that some of their peers are | | | | got nothing to lose-you'll just end up losing more and |
| allowed to do the things they are not. | | | | more of your own power. For parents in the situation |
| So teens can develop a way of looking at some of | | | | where things have gotten to a point where the child is |
| their parents' decisions as unfair. That perception fuels | | | | abusive and aggressive, I recommend that they seek |
| their willingness to fight, argue, and engage in defiant | | | | some professional help. Because that pattern can be |
| power struggles with you. For example, you decide | | | | stopped and it can be changed. You don't have to be |
| you don't want your teen to go to a party if there's no | | | | stuck in that forever, you just need to learn how to |
| adult supervision. Your teenager just wants to go to | | | | deal with it. In my opinion, what these kids really need |
| the same party her friends are attending-she doesn't | | | | to learn is that defiance doesn't solve their problem; |
| have any thoughts at all about adult supervision or risk. | | | | defiance doesn't get them what they want in the first |
| When you bring it up, she thinks you're old fashioned or | | | | place. And if parents don't teach them this lesson |
| out of touch-and the conflict starts there. | | | | when they're young, these kids will certainly find out |
| For the most part, this is healthy. It may be annoying (in | | | | later when they're dealing with the school system, their |
| fact, you'll probably feel you're saying the same things | | | | employer, the police or their spouse. |
| over and over) but kids need to find ways to challenge | | | | Let me be clear: both the child who is mildly resistant to |
| adult authority appropriately. And by appropriately I | | | | authority and the defiant, acting out child need to be |
| mean not cursing, verbally abusing or personally | | | | empowered with problem solving skills to learn how to |
| attacking you. By the way, if the challenge is | | | | communicate effectively in the many situations life |
| appropriate, parents need to learn how to respond | | | | presents. I think that this particular training for adult life |
| with an open mind. | | | | should start very early. Believe me, you can't walk into |
| Not What You Might Think: The Goal is not to Take | | | | your boss's office and say, "This stinks, I'm not going to |
| Power Struggles Away | | | | do it, you're a jerk," and expect to have your needs |
| It surprises many parents when I say that we don't | | | | met. Kids need to learn how to negotiate and |
| want to take all power struggles away. Rather, we | | | | advocate for themselves in order to gain power, and |
| want to take the defiance out of the power struggle. | | | | they need to do it in an appropriate way-a way which |
| This is because as kids go through their developmental | | | | doesn't get them into trouble and doesn't make the |
| stages, they need to challenge their parents | | | | problem worse. |