| Every adult has a list of the "I will never" variety when | | | | moment and determine how to get the anger across |
| it comes to parenting children. Most have good | | | | while maintaining the feeling of love you have for your |
| intentions, and in fact do not repeat the top few items | | | | child. The result might still be yelling or a dirty look, but if |
| on the list. I know I have a list. The number one item on | | | | the feeling is there, that's important. Instead of 'what |
| it is "I will never scream at my children". I have raised | | | | the heck were you thinking! That's dangerous!', try 'I |
| my voice from time to time, but I have never | | | | love you, and I want you to think about how dangerous |
| screamed. I'm sure that he is creating his own "I will | | | | that was, and how lucky we are that you are not hurt!'. |
| never" list, and that's okay. I HOPE the most serious | | | | The second point, meting out discipline in a non-shaming |
| item on it is "I will never make my son hang his own | | | | way is also challenging. My mom called me stupid a lot |
| laundry", but I suspect that there are bigger hurts...hurts I | | | | as a kid. I remember every 'stupid' I ever got way |
| don't even know I committed. | | | | more than any praise. Try this: "I know you're capable |
| How do you parent well, avoiding the big items on your | | | | of making a better choice. Why didn't you?" Clean, |
| list of personal parental demons, while still raising | | | | non-accusatory language that bolsters confidence |
| children who are healthy, happy, loving and productive? | | | | while asking for input instead of "You are stupid, and |
| The answer is this: While every "I will never" list is | | | | you are grounded". If punishment is needed, he gets |
| different, the main points are universal. Positively | | | | punishment. But again, it should come from a place of |
| Parenting children can boil down to a few basic points: | | | | love. |
| an "I will always" list: | | | | Finally, extending courtesy is something many parents |
| * I will always love and express my love my child even | | | | forget. "Get over here!" is something I hear at the |
| when he does something infuriating. | | | | playground a lot. How about "Please come here, it's |
| * I will always mete out discipline in a loving, | | | | time to go." We tend to treat strangers at the store |
| non-humiliating, non-shaming way. | | | | better than our own children. It's heartbreaking see little |
| * I will always remember that my child is a person, and | | | | shoulders hunch forward when parents yell for no |
| therefore deserving of the basic courtesy and dignity | | | | reason the child can understand. |
| we automatically provide to strangers. | | | | These three points seem pretty basic, but are really |
| The first point, to love and express love to your child, is | | | | universal, and cover most situations. It comes down to |
| not something that is easy. Being angry sometimes | | | | this: Parenting children means you should express your |
| makes it hard to be loving. However, these are not | | | | love for your child while scolding, disciplining or any |
| mutually exclusive. When you are angry, stop and ask | | | | other interaction with him. Maybe then his list will be |
| yourself if your reaction is out of love-if it is out of | | | | shorter. |
| anger, payback, fear or any other emotion, think for a | | | | |