| I think my biggest problem was that I did not change | | | | the garden, etc. Let the teenager choose a "work |
| the things that were not working. I kept using the same | | | | detail" as a way to "make up" for rule violations. |
| parenting strategies and hoped for different results. | | | | --"Hiring" a substitute-- A child may choose to "hire" |
| This turned out to be almost as big a problem as not | | | | someone to do his/her chore (e.g., by paying a wage |
| trying to fix problems in the first place. | | | | of $5.00), or mutually agree to trade chores. |
| For example, I thought that threatening to do this or | | | | --Parents can model correct behavior-- Patiently show |
| that was an effective form of discipline -- but since I | | | | the child the "right way" to behave or do a chore. |
| had to use it each day to correct the same problem, it | | | | --Parents can practice humility-- When you are wrong, |
| should have been obvious that it was not a good | | | | quickly admit this to your teen. This will model (a) |
| strategy. I have more tools in my parenting toolbox | | | | making amends and (b) that it's safe to make mistake. |
| now, most of which work fairly well - and now I want | | | | Admitting your mistakes teachers your child to respect |
| to share them with you: | | | | others. |
| --Parents can ignore behavior when possible-- Ignore | | | | --Have your child rehearse new behaviors-- In addition |
| behavior that will not harm your teen (e.g., bad habits, | | | | to telling your child the correct way to do something, |
| bad language, arguing with a sibling). It's hard to do | | | | have him/her rehearse it (e.g., dealing with bullies, not |
| nothing, but this lack of attention takes away the very | | | | slamming the doorwhen entering a room, walking |
| audience your teen is seeking. | | | | through the house rather than running). |
| --Parents can use prediction-- Tell your teen your | | | | --Parents can be decisive-- Some parents have |
| predictions regarding the negative outcomes of his/her | | | | always been indecisive about what course of action to |
| poor choices (use labels when needed). For example: | | | | try with their child. They jump from one parenting |
| "If you continue to steal, people will call you a thief, and | | | | technique to the other without giving any one technique |
| when things come up missing, they will blame you." "If | | | | enough time to be effective, or they try a new |
| you continue to lie, people will call you a liar, and even if | | | | parenting technique once and then give up in frustration |
| you tell them the truth, they won't believe you." When | | | | because it didn't work. |
| your predictions come true, your out-of-control teen will | | | | --Some parents will say, "We've tried everything and |
| begin to trust your judgment. | | | | nothing works with this kid." What I usually see is |
| --Parents can use natural consequences-- Do not | | | | parents floating from one parenting tool to another |
| shield your teen from the results of her choices unless | | | | without sticking with one particular tool for a significant |
| it puts her in danger. For example: | | | | period of time. |
| · Child doesn't go to bed on time >>> | | | | --Parents can use adjustment-- Here are several |
| she gets up and goes to school anyway even though | | | | ways to adjust: |
| she's tired and sleepy | | | | · Realize the same discipline may not work for |
| · Child doesn't study for her math test | | | | all children, because of the unique features of different |
| >>> she fails | | | | children |
| · Child doesn't maintain his car >>> it | | | | · Try to blend a combination of several |
| falls apart and he rides his bike thereafter | | | | parenting tools to create a more effective discipline |
| --Parents can use not-so-natural consequences-- | | | | · Don't believe it when your children seem |
| Consequences can be by parental design. For | | | | unaffected by discipline. Children often pretend |
| example: | | | | discipline doesn't bother them. Continue to be persistent |
| · Child parks his car in the street rather than in | | | | with your planned discipline, and consider yourself |
| the driveway risking having it towed >>> after | | | | successful by keeping your parenting plan in place. |
| forewarning is ignored, parent parks the car in the | | | | When children pretend a discipline doesn't bother them, |
| driveway, and the child must pay a towing fee to get | | | | parents often give up on a discipline, which reinforces |
| his keys back | | | | the child's disobedience. Remember, you can only |
| · Child leaves her toiletries in disarray | | | | control your actions, not your children's reactions. |
| throughout the bathroom each school morning | | | | --Parents can use humor to deal with family-stress-- |
| >>> after forewarning is ignored, parent | | | | For example: Instead of reacting to your kid's temper |
| confiscates all items for a period of time (technique | | | | tantrum, start singing "Fat Bottom Girls" by Queen. |
| works with clothes and toys as well) | | | | --Parents can use 'reverse' psychology-- For example, |
| --Parents can rearrange space-- Try creative solutions. | | | | "That's not like you ...you're able to do much better." |
| For example: | | | | This line works because your kid will live up - or down |
| · If school notes and homework are misplaced, | | | | - to your expectations. |
| assign a special table or counter for materials | | | | --Remember that kids want structure-- Most |
| · If chores are forgotten, post a chart with who | | | | teenagers are actually starved for structure - it helps |
| does what when | | | | them feel safe (remember 'basketball court' example). |
| --Parents can use grandma's rule: When/Then-- Tie | | | | --A special note to fathers: |
| what you want to what they need (e.g., when you | | | | · The #1 thing your daughter needs to hear |
| come home from school on time, then you can have a | | | | from you: "You're beautiful ...you're worth fighting for!" |
| friend over). | | | | · The #1 thing your son needs to hear from |
| --Parents can use work detail-- Post a list of jobs that | | | | you: "I'm proud of you ...you've got what it takes! |
| need to be done, such as washing the car, weeding | | | | |