| As a parent educator I cannot tell you how many | | | | - Test parenting tips against your gut. If it doesn't feel |
| times I have heard "I tried that, but it didn't work for | | | | right, or you could not picture yourself staying the |
| me". Early on in my career, I sat in judgment; thinking | | | | course, then don't use that particular strategy. Shop for |
| the parents' were at fault for not being consistent | | | | parenting advice like you would clothes. It has to be a |
| enough or they didn't administer the "parenting | | | | good fit. i.e. if you don't think you could survive a |
| technique" properly. As I began to have my own | | | | teenager being grounded for two weeks moping about |
| children, I learned very quickly that not all experts | | | | the house, then grounding is something that probably |
| parenting advice was a "good fit" for me or my | | | | wouldn't work for you. You may be tempted to give in |
| children. How could they be? Although much of it is | | | | and your child would get the message that you are a |
| based on sound psychological theory and principles, | | | | pushover. |
| there are too many variables when it comes to | | | | - Know your children. Listen to them, observe their |
| parenting. Parenting strategies cannot take into | | | | reactions. Learn about their personalities; what makes |
| account specific family dynamics, unique parent and | | | | them afraid, what makes them feel safe, what works |
| child personalities and temperaments. They cannot | | | | in helping them to change their behaviour, what causes |
| address fluctuations in mood or extraneous family | | | | more behavioral problems. Then respond to them |
| stressors. In short, these parenting strategies in their | | | | according to what you know about them. The |
| concrete form fall short in addressing the individual | | | | parenting strategy also has to fit with the child's |
| needs of parents and their individual children. | | | | personality. My child who fears rejection took personal |
| When my boys were young all I had to do to get my | | | | insult to time-outs. It did more harm than good. |
| eldest child to listen to me was to count to three. At | | | | Time-outs were not a good fit for him. |
| parenting workshops I often tell a story of when I had | | | | - Find a philosophy that brings you and your parenting |
| friends over for dinner and while eating at the table my | | | | partner to the same page. When parents are at |
| eldest son was doing something I wanted him to stop, | | | | opposite ends of the discipline spectrum, children learn |
| so I began counting. Once I got to the number two he | | | | quickly that they can play one against the other. And |
| ceased doing whatever it was that was annoying me | | | | not to mention, consistency goes right out the window. |
| and reverted back to the pleasant boy I wanted my | | | | - Don't be afraid to modify parenting strategies to fit |
| guests to see. One of my dinner guests asked the | | | | the needs of your individual children. My second son |
| question:" What happens when you get to three?" I | | | | would take a time-out if I sat with him on the stair to |
| responded with: "I have absolutely no idea!" And I didn't. | | | | help him through his tears. It was a deterrent enough to |
| I never had to get there. When I used the same | | | | get him to stop misbehaving and have him think about |
| strategy with my second born, he would verbally race | | | | what he could do differently next time. In this case, his |
| me to the count of three and then stand there with his | | | | attachment to me was not threatened. Voila, temper |
| hands on his hips, daring me to react. A threat for | | | | tantrum avoided. |
| time-out usually followed, but that did more harm than | | | | - Ignore well meaning neighbors, friends and relatives. |
| good. His need to be in close proximity to me was | | | | Other people do not live your situation or know your |
| threatened by the prospect of being sent away to sit | | | | children the way you do. So the next time someone |
| on the stair. He would launch into a tantrum which | | | | says "he's not toilet trained yet!" or "you let him have a |
| completely dismissed the original misbehaviour | | | | snack before dinner!" Just remember you are the |
| because now we had to deal with an emotional tirade | | | | parent and you are doing what is best for you and |
| that seemed to last forever. | | | | your child. Maybe your child isn't ready to be toilet |
| The difference between my two boys is that my | | | | trained yet and forcing the issue would do more harm |
| eldest has always been quite conscientious with | | | | than good. Maybe your child doesn't like cooked |
| regards to his own behaviour. He could recognize | | | | vegetables so offering him a brownie made with |
| when he was not acting appropriately and a simple | | | | spinach before dinner ensures he is getting the |
| reminder would play on his own internal barometer for | | | | nutrients he needs. |
| what was acceptable and what was not. He didn't | | | | - Give yourself a time limit. The time it takes for a child |
| necessarily listen to me because I asked him to; he | | | | to change his behaviour varies by individual response. If |
| would stop misbehaving on his own accord because | | | | a text book strategy says "get your child to sleep |
| he intuitively knew it was the right thing to do. My | | | | through the night in three nights or less" be prepared |
| second son is highly sensitive. Just the thought of me | | | | that your child may take up to seven nights, or ten. |
| sending him "away" for a time-out would hurt his | | | | Decide before implementing any strategy how long |
| feelings to the core. His anger and hurt would cause | | | | you are prepared to "wait" before you see desired |
| him to challenge my love and attachment to him by | | | | results. Eight nights of allowing my child to cry himself |
| daring me to do the very thing he feared most: "send | | | | to sleep was too heart wrenching for me. I caved, and |
| him away". The threat was more psychologically | | | | then felt like a failure for not training my child to sleep |
| disturbing to him than the act of actually having to sit in | | | | independently. |
| time-out. | | | | Parenting strategies are great when they work, but |
| One parenting strategy executed in the same manner | | | | when they don't it's us parents that feel like we did |
| on two different children: Two very different | | | | something wrong. After all, the experts couldn't be |
| outcomes. So what can we do when parenting advice | | | | wrong! Could they? Go confidently brave parents. |
| fails us? Better yet, what can we do to take parenting | | | | Trust you know what is right for you and your children. |
| expert advice and make it work for us and our | | | | Use what works for your family and file the rest under |
| individual children? | | | | "G". Mother (and father) really does know best! |
| Here are some parenting tips on parenting tips: | | | | |