Parenting the Attachment Challenged Child

/div>stress. In considering parenting techniques for severe
There is much literature on how to parent challengingbehavior we will be relying on a theory of human
children these days. Unfortunately, much of thatbehavior called the Stress Model. The Stress Model is
literature does not typically address the child witha very simple theory of behavior that says, “All
special parenting needs and a special parentingbehavior arises from a state of stress and in between
understanding. A child that has been diagnosed withthe behavior and the stress is the presence of one of
reactive attachment disorder, oppositional defianttwo primary emotions: Love or Fear. It is through the
disorder, or even depression, requires anunderstandingexpression, processing, and understanding of the
not of the behavior itself, but rather of the underlyingemotion that we can calm the stress and diminish the
dynamics driving the behavior. Take for example thebehavior.
analogy of an iceberg. Typically when we refer to anVery important point: There are only two primary
iceberg we are referring to what we see above theemotions--love and fear.
surface. However, 90% of every iceberg is invisible,Anger is not a primary emotion. It is a feeling that is
lying under the surface. What you consider to be ansecondary to the bodily experience of fear. A fear
iceberg is really only the tip. It’s an overwhelmingexperience can occur through any of the sensory
thought when considering how enormous an iceberg ispathways. Through what you see, hear, touch, smell,
above the surface. Imagine the other 90% lurkingtaste, and even the temperature of your body. The
underneath.experience of both stress and fear is cellular. It occurs
Negative behaviors demonstrated by children areunconsciously. You won’t always know what
much the same. Whereas we may attempt tocauses fear or stress. If you are seeing anger, rage,
remove an iceberg by hacking away from the topjealousy, and more it is arising from fear, rather than
down, we will only be spending endless time andthe anger. Love is the space between two people. It is
energy focusing on the smallest aspect of the iceberg.always present and surrounds us each day. The only
When we encourage parents to only focus onthing that keeps us out of love is our fear. Since the
alleviating behavior through simple behavior modificationpresence of love is natural, it is up to us to put fear
charts, boot camp tactics, or logical consequences, weaside and step into the presence of love. You may
are actually missing the most important part of thehave heard it said, “Perfect love casts out all
behavior. Typically a focus just on the behavior mayfear,” or “Love and fear cannot co-exist.
eliminate the behavior for a while to only see it return”We have calmly come to perceive as love is only
another day with greater intensity. Specific parentingfear in disguise. Most often times we do not see this
steps can be taken to effectively help reduce problembecause we fail to see our own fear the majority of
behaviors in a rapid period of time. The steps will notthe time. When talking about the specific severe
be easy to implement, however with a firm resolve tobehaviors, it will be important to remember the fear
stay the course the effectiveness of each approachand stress they create in the parent first. If you try to
is guaranteed to be effective.overcome fear by creating more fear, you only make
The Stress Modelfear greater.
Stress plays a vital role in everything that we do. AsAction exercise:Try to see fear in actions between
an internal experience we rely on stress daily to stayyou and your child for one full week. You’ll be
alive, and engage the outside world. In addition, we relyamazed.
on stress to fight illness, digest food, and recover fromCopyright© 2006 Dr. Bryan Post. All rights reserved.
difficult times. Just to laugh is to experience a state of