| When it comes to parenting one of the most difficult | | | | fair' feature prominently as he heads for his room and |
| tasks is that of teaching responsibility and this is | | | | slams the door behind him. |
| especially difficult when it comes to parenting | | | | The problem here is often that the boy has yet to |
| teenagers. Invariably you find yourself faced with the | | | | make the connection between his actions in simply |
| dilemma of instilling habits into your teenagers that will | | | | throwing his clothes in the corner of his room and the |
| lead to appropriate behavior while at the same time | | | | inconvenience that this causes you in having to go into |
| not stifling the need for them to be able to make | | | | his room and sort through the mess when it comes |
| individual choices. | | | | time to do the laundry. Similarly he hasn't made the |
| Being 'responsible' for something means simply being | | | | connection between the fact that you've just spent a |
| the agent for some action that produces an effect | | | | fortune having the wiring in the house sorted out |
| which can be either good or bad. Teaching | | | | because mice, attracted by the food left lying around in |
| responsibility is therefore very much a case of getting | | | | his room, have chewed through the electrical cabling. |
| your child to understand that every action has | | | | In short you've inconvenienced him by restricting his |
| consequences and that these consequences may | | | | freedom but this simply isn't fair because at the end of |
| affect not only their own lives but the lives of others. | | | | the day he's the one who has to live in the room and |
| If you can teach your child to make the connection | | | | he doesn't see that it should matter to you what state |
| between his or her actions and their natural | | | | it's in. |
| consequences then you will be a long way down the | | | | The secret is simply to educate him by helping him to |
| road towards teaching responsibility. This approach is | | | | make the connection for himself between the state of |
| also far better than following the time honored, but | | | | his room and the inconvenience that an untidy room |
| frequently totally unproductive, route of simply resorting | | | | causes you. Once you do this, withdrawing his |
| to telling you teenagers that they must or must not do | | | | privileges and inconveniencing him when he fails to |
| something 'because I say so'. | | | | keep his room tidy will suddenly be seen as quite fair. |
| This is all well and good but, in practice, it's often easier | | | | While teaching children to connect their actions with |
| said than done. Take, for example, the teenager who | | | | their natural consequences is certainly the key to |
| is tempted to start, or has indeed started, | | | | instilling a sense of responsibility in them, it should be |
| experimenting with drugs. The obvious consequences | | | | remembered that the child must be in a position to |
| of this action are that he is quite likely to move from | | | | understand the connection between his actions and |
| 'soft' to 'hard' drugs, will become addicted and probably | | | | the consequences. Although it is often easy for an |
| start lying and stealing, or worse, to feed his habit. His | | | | adult to see the connection, a child may not always |
| school work will begin to suffer, as will his health, and | | | | have sufficient knowledge or experience to make the |
| eventually he'll fall foul of the law and probably end up | | | | connection. For this reason it is important to start |
| in jail. But you try explaining this to a sixteen year old | | | | teaching your child responsibility at an early age so |
| who feels that he's totally in control of his life and more | | | | that, when problems of understanding do arise, the |
| than capable of ensuring that this doesn't happen to | | | | child will have learnt to trust you when you tell him that |
| him. | | | | he really doesn't want the consequences of whatever |
| This is perhaps an extreme example of the problems | | | | it is he is about to do. |
| of teaching responsibility and one for which the solution | | | | One final point to remember is that, like adults, children |
| is perhaps a little too complex for this short article. It is | | | | have a degree of their own free will and, like it or not, |
| nonetheless a common problem for parents these | | | | the influence that you can exert over your children is |
| days and one which many parents will recognize. | | | | limited. The best you can often do is to set reasonable |
| At this stage however let's take a simpler, but | | | | expectation and, where necessary, to take a firm, but |
| extremely common problem - that of getting your | | | | not overly authoritative, stance. At the end of the day |
| teenager to take responsibility for keeping his room | | | | you are raising an individual with the capacity to think |
| clean and tidy. | | | | for himself and to stand on his own two feet and |
| For many parents the answer to this problem is to | | | | exercise self-responsibility. |
| withdraw privileges until the room is tidied. For example, | | | | Setting a good example and showing your children the |
| when your teenage son comes home from schools, | | | | path to follow is as much as any parent can do. At the |
| dumps his bag and is about to rush out to join his | | | | end of the day your children will decide for themselves |
| friends at the mall, you step in and stop him from going | | | | whether or not they are going to follow the path which |
| out until he has cleaned up his room. This more often | | | | you have laid out for them. |
| than not sparks an argument in which the words 'not | | | | |