Parenting Counseling

Parenting counseling, what does that mean? I am aHowever my culture has taught me to breath
parent, a late life parent, which has its own built inshallowly in my chest which keeps me dripping a little
wisdom and deficiencies when the kids are almost 11adrenalin into the system, and sometimes I am caught
and just turned 5.unprepared by the intensity of my response to a
I find myself routinely looking back to my owncallous kiddie crime, a child kicking a kitten, or
childhood and remembering behaviors that Ideliberately refusing to follow the rules of the
demonstrated, and my parents response to thosehousehold, and at that point I use another tool, heart
behaviors, to evaluate how strong my response shouldrate variability biofeedback, which cues a calmer
be to the behaviors of my kids, when I am alarmedphysiology and allows me to access my heart's
about something they say or do, and that, according toaffiliative and cooperative intelligence.
Marcy Axness, Ph.D., is what parenting counseling isParenting Counseling With The Heart
about, us making sense of our childhood experience soHeartMath, which I have used personally and
that we can guide our children.professionally for about 8 years, teaches me how to
However we know today that attachment plays acue a coherent heart beat on demand, which makes it
huge part in the brain development of our children, andan extraordinary tool to use in the moment of high
a secure attachment can be attended to, guided,arousal to change my physiology back to a physiology
enhanced so that our children enjoy secureof appreciation and cooperativenss so I deliver a
relationships as adults.consequence which teaches and does not damage
So I want to study up on what makes attachmentattachment.
happen in relationship with children.And that process does take practice, and you do not
My reading of Allen Schore's work says thathave to be perfect.
attachment is visual and is communicated when theIf you parent from a place of threat, intimidation, or
children are young through the eyes and voice andcontempt, you can repair that with your child at a
touch, when I smile they smile and vice versa, and thatmoment when you both are calmer.
there may be as many as 20 contacts like that perThere are a huge number of benefits to learning to
minute when an infant needs them.regulate your arousal, using heart rate variability
The infant will also signal when they are overbiofeedback which is very definitely a mindfulness tool.
stimulated by breaking off eye contact.Two major benefits of lower arousal are increased
So how do we sustain healthy attachment through theneurogenesis and neuroplasticity.
inevitable behavioral issues which will occur with ourNeuroplasticity and neurogenesis are capacities of the
kids as they grow up, how do I deliver consequenceshuman brain which can be enhanced and which were
for deliberate transgressions from my parentingunknown until a decade or so ago.
system rather than an emotional place, a place thatNeurogenesis is the growth of new brain cells on a
teaches but does not abuse.daily basis which happens when I take care of my
Of course, it takes thousands of those small, quick,brain fitness.
loving contacts to ensure a secure attachment, butI am 61 and need new brain cells to track my children's
only one perception of serious threat to change abehavior and whereabouts.
child's brain forever, so how do I parent from a placeYou know what kills new brain cells? Stress hormones.
of emotional regulation?This is where it really pays to know heart rate
Perhaps the most important thing that I have learnedvariability biofeedback because when I am good at
about attachment is the role of the father in regulatingthat I can keep the inside of my body bathed in the
aggression.hormone DHEA, instead of adrenaline and cortisol.
Dad's, in their play with children, are supposed to helpDHEA is very helpful in keeping those new neurons
them understand the limits of arousal, how to go upheaded out to the brain structures where they are
and down the arousal ladder so that no one gets hurt,needed.
especially with the boys who have a greaterIf you are curious about this brain fitness phenomenom,
aggressive endowment, and everyone has fun, so theplease read Brainfit for Life where you will get a clear
key for me in terms of parenting is to learn how topicture of the pillars of brain fitness, physical exercise,
regulate my own arousal, so I am communicating tonutrition, sleep, stress management, and novel learning
my children that their consequences are serious butexperiences.
they are not perceiving that they are going to die soon.Neuroplasticity is what neurons do when they are
It is their perception that changes their brain.learning about new things, they connect with other
I have used many tools to practice appropriate internalneurons, and if those circuits are used regularly, your
self-regulation. The cheapest and quickest is deepbrain will keep the circuit which is insurance against
breathing, a breath in for three counts, hold for three,alzheimers.
and then exhale for a count of three, repeated threeBoth neurogenesis and neuroplasticity are enhanced
times.by doing stress management the heart rate variability
Perhaps I will need to do more repetitions to calmbiofeedback way.
down.