| I have been mothering for many years and am | | | | the rest of us, teenagers want to know they're being |
| currently parenting a teenager (my third). One of the | | | | heard. (If you can use more strategies for parenting |
| biggest lessons I have learned is that if your teen has | | | | teenagers, please see the author's resource box |
| stopped listening to you, then you have lost the | | | | following this article.) |
| parenting game. | | | | Parenting a teenager is a bit of a detective game. |
| Recently I sat down with a young woman (I'll call her | | | | Check your own behaviors and words to see if you |
| Cindy) who is 17. I asked her to tell me what types of | | | | are exhibiting any of the signs Cindy talks about that |
| situations make her stop listening to her parents. | | | | makes her stop listening to her parents. Be honest with |
| Here are Cindy's answers. | | | | yourself. |
| "I don't listen to my parents when they start yelling. | | | | Watch closely during the interactions you have with |
| Doesn't matter what they are saying, I just don't hear | | | | your teen. Take note of when the conversation closes |
| them anymore. | | | | down. Is your teenager really done talking or has |
| "Another situation that makes me stop listening to my | | | | something you've said or done made her put up an |
| parents is when I am trying to relate a story about a | | | | emotional wall? |
| friend and my parent interrupts me with a lecture | | | | This may seem like a lot of hard work to you and |
| about how I do the same thing. | | | | you're right, it is. But you are the adult in this situation |
| "Well maybe I do and maybe you need to tell me | | | | and it's up to you as the parent to show your teen |
| something about it, but hearing me out first would at | | | | how relationships work. You are in charge of the |
| least tell me you care about what I'm saying, too. | | | | communication tools that can get your teenager |
| "Another example of when I stop listening to my | | | | listening to you. |
| parents is when they lay out requirements for me in a | | | | Be interested in your teenager and his life. It may take |
| specific situation and I meet those requirements, but I | | | | awhile for your teen to respond to you, but hang in |
| still don't get what I was working towards. Somehow | | | | there. Believe me, it's worth the investment of time and |
| the rules change on me. This makes me want to find a | | | | energy. |
| new loophole that will get around what my parents | | | | Here's another powerful idea that you can try today. |
| say but still somewhat satisfies their requirements. I | | | | How about asking YOUR teen what makes her stop |
| feel like I'm not being listened to so I have to work | | | | listening to you? Do you have the courage to hear the |
| around them. | | | | answers? |
| "One more thing I'd like to add, too. Teenagers hate | | | | I'll bet you do. Sometimes the hardest part is getting |
| hearing "because I said so". My mom tells me | | | | started. Here's what you need to know: when it |
| sometimes that's just what needs to be said, and I | | | | comes to parenting a teenager, listening gets easier |
| think that's okay if it doesn't get over-used. But really, | | | | with practice. |
| teenagers need to know the reason behind a rule so | | | | So go give your teenager a hug and ask him a |
| we can learn to make those decisions ourselves." | | | | question that requires you to listen. |
| Wow. Powerful stuff. The implications from Cindy's | | | | You can do it! And your teen will come to love you for |
| comments are clear. Parenting a teenager can be a lot | | | | it. |
| easier if you work with your teen, not against him. Like | | | | |