| When I was commissioned to write a book some | | | | Fear of the unknown is very real for all members of a |
| years ago on stepfamilies, it was assumed that step | | | | stepfamily. Will it work? Will he/she walk out on me? |
| parents would be wed. However, the question of | | | | Will my mum/dad stop loving me? The thing to |
| coping with step children, these days, doesn't | | | | remember is that fear can only flourish in the absence |
| necessarily involve being married to their natural parent. | | | | of love. |
| On the contrary! As more and more couples are | | | | - Develop an atmosphere of love - before you even |
| involved in serial relationships, so the question might | | | | become a stepfamily. |
| more reasonably be asked: how do step children cope | | | | - Love means trusting one another; being open and |
| with step parents? | | | | honest as a family; making yourself vulnerable. |
| I was invited by BBC Radio 5 Live to take part in a | | | | - Communication is key. Vocal. And physical. Never let |
| debate, arguing the case for the premise Can A Step | | | | anything become off-topic. Talk openly about the past |
| Parent Take The Place Of A Real Parent? The e-mail | | | | with your children. And about what will be happening in |
| was from one of their producers, who said he'd found | | | | the future. Encourage them to talk about their own |
| my book in a Google search. During the telephone | | | | fears. What if . . . |
| conversation that ensued, he asked me if I knew of | | | | - Show them lots of affection. |
| anyone who might argue the case against. I had to | | | | - Never run your children's absent parent down - |
| say that I don't. Because most of the stepfamilies I | | | | particularly in front of their soon-to-be step parent. It's |
| know - including my own - have been very positive | | | | bound to upset the kids and alienate them against their |
| about the experience. | | | | step parent. |
| STEPFAMILY PROBLEMS CAN BE RESOLVED! | | | | - Help your children to understand that even though |
| My book was based on personal experience, but also | | | | you're going to become a stepfamily, you are utterly |
| included a number of case studies: people my second | | | | committed to them. |
| husband and I interviewed for the book. Some of the | | | | - Teach them that love does not mean allowing |
| contributors were step parents coping with step | | | | yourself to be manipulated. |
| children; others were the biological parent; and yet | | | | - Love means that they will be disciplined when they |
| others the stepkids themselves. Not one of them could | | | | behave badly. |
| say that they were a stepfamily without problems. But | | | | - Above all, help them to understand that love is not |
| what all of them could vouch for was that they had | | | | finite, like a cake divided into slices with only so much |
| worked through their difficulties - and were prepared | | | | to go round. Love grows as you give it away. |
| to continue doing so. | | | | FORGIVENESS |
| STEP PARENTING ADVICE | | | | This is another topic I've written about previously in |
| So the BBC5 invitation prompted me to think through | | | | articles about the art of forgiveness, and healing and |
| the sort of advice I might offer - not simply to those | | | | forgiveness . The point I'd like to stress above all is that |
| families who are encountering problems, but to those | | | | the only person who suffers because of |
| who've not yet taken the plunge. In other words, those | | | | unforgiveness, is the victim who has been wronged. |
| who are still thinking about becoming a stepfamily. | | | | Why punish yourself twice? Forgiving helps you, and |
| The first thing I'd say is: | | | | your children, to be free to take on new relationships |
| - Understand where you're coming from. | | | | unencumbered. Here's what you, and they need to |
| - Evaluate what emotional baggage you'll be taking | | | | know: |
| with you into the new family. | | | | - Forgiveness is an act of will, not emotion. |
| - And how you can deal with it to get where you want | | | | - It doesn't mean condoning the bad behaviour of an |
| to be: a cohesive family unit. | | | | adulterous ex-partner. |
| - A stepfamily is the result of remarriage after either a | | | | - It doesn't mean that you are to blame. |
| divorce or a death. Both are traumatic experiences | | | | - It's a journey. Today's forgiveness will almost certainly |
| which affect every member of the family. | | | | have to be repeated tomorrow. And the next day. |
| - Divorce and death involve dealing with the loss of a | | | | And the next. |
| loved one: spouse or parent. | | | | - Learn to admit it if you are in the wrong. And teach |
| - Both may engender similar emotions: denial, rejection, | | | | your children. 'I am sorry' are said to be the hardest |
| failure, sorrow, guilt and regret, anger and depression - | | | | three words in the world. But they're also liberating. |
| not just for you, but for your children, too. Some of the | | | | - Learn to forgive yourself. And teach your children to |
| points I've made in my posts on bereavement, are | | | | do likewise. |
| relevant to those who are divorced. | | | | FAITH |
| - You may think that you're over your emotional | | | | If you've been hurt, you can wrap yourself up and |
| upheaval - particularly if you've found a new love - but | | | | refuse ever to trust anyone again. But living is loving. |
| it may not be realistic to expect your children to be, | | | | Do you really want to die on your feet? |
| too. | | | | If you are a person of faith, exercise it when it comes |
| - The fact is that trying to blend two families together | | | | to new relationships. We only live once. Don't let hurt |
| can be like trying to renovate a ruin, whils living in it at | | | | and mistrust deny you some happiness in life. You |
| the same time! | | | | may be hurt again, in a new relationship. No one can |
| Understanding that this is where you and your children | | | | guarantee that you won't. Take heart. Remember the |
| are coming from and the emotional baggage you're | | | | old saying 'Better to have loved and lost, than never to |
| taking with you are crucial to developing the skills | | | | have loved at all.' |
| needed when it comes to understanding how you can | | | | Do let me know if you've had problems in your |
| deal with the upsets which, inevitably, will arise in the | | | | stepfamily - and the way you've overcome them. Or |
| stepfamily. I have identified the following three F's: | | | | not! |
| FEAR | | | | |