| Making Teen Discipline Work For You | | | | Consistency is important here so that your teen ideally |
| Many of us may find ourselves triggered into old | | | | starts to manage and monitor her own behaviour. If |
| patterns of arguing and conflict when faced with a | | | | you feel your heat rising try stepping away from the |
| teen who is in full flight of giving you the cold shoulder | | | | situation to cool down and recover emotionally. |
| or what I call 'chucking a 'wobbly'. We may even find | | | | 4. Make your punishment relevant - It should be |
| ourselves saying things to them that our parents said | | | | reflective of the wrongdoing. For example, if your |
| and which we hated hearing when we were teens. | | | | daughter arrives late from an agreed time limiting her |
| Disciplining teens - sounds like a potential battle of | | | | night's out temporarily would be appropriate. A social |
| control of wills and at times a yell fest. If you are | | | | event may be missed if school work hasn't been |
| feeling exhausted by the constant push you feel in | | | | completed in order to complete the work. Most teens |
| your relationship with your daughter - consider focusing | | | | respond to punishments that are relevant as fair. |
| on the following in order to turn things around: a) | | | | 5. Hold an expectation for good behaviour - Whilst you |
| building an environment of respect, b) negotiation | | | | are trying to understand that your teen daughter may |
| around reasonable behaviour and, c) praise when good | | | | be on a hormonal roller coaster with major emotional |
| behaviour is demonstrated in your daughter's journey | | | | and psychological changes it doesn't mean she can |
| into adulthood. | | | | behave in a mean or nasty way. Consistent |
| Research has found that there are 4 types of | | | | behavioural expectations need be related to what is |
| parenting using dimensions of affection and control (or | | | | right and a foundation created around shared values. |
| love and authority) which produce different outcomes | | | | 6. Reasoning is a powerful tool with your daughter |
| for teenagers. What has been most productive have | | | | given that there is a very big part of her that wants to |
| been parents who have consistently stood strongly in | | | | be taken seriously, valued and heard. Reasoning may |
| their love as well as in their authority. This can be a fine | | | | not always seem to sink in immediately or have an |
| balance and can challenge our ability to find the right | | | | immediate visible effect but the long-term effects will |
| degrees of each and at the appropriate times. How to | | | | be more evident and positive. |
| have the fierceness of a lioness, the cool detachment | | | | 7. Try and remember that you are the parent, yes, a |
| of a yogi and the humour of Bob Hope. It's not going to | | | | loving parent. But NOT a friend (of course, a friendly |
| be one thing but choosing different ways of being at | | | | parent), but, not her friend. Your daughter will usually |
| different times in order to keep an engaged relationship | | | | have plenty of her own friends. She will need the |
| and keep your cool. | | | | safety and security of boundaries and guidance you |
| The two fundamental principles in teen discipline: | | | | offer her as a parent. This may include at times |
| 1. Being consistent - this is a principle that is true right | | | | supporting her around saying 'no' to her friends and at |
| through out child rearing and is particularly true with | | | | times being the 'bad guy' simply because at times the |
| teens who will be testing the boundaries every inch of | | | | answer will be 'no.' This is important as it's modeling |
| the way. They get frustrated when a behaviour is | | | | how to say 'no' when she will inevitably have to be in |
| acceptable one day and not acceptable the next.o | | | | that position herself. Teens who view their parents as |
| Are you clear in yourself around the boundaries in your | | | | authority figures and providers are more likely to be |
| home?o Have you made these transparent with your | | | | close to them in adulthood. We know you were once |
| daughter? Is she aware of what would happen if a | | | | a teen and relating some of your experiences can be |
| boundary was crossed?o Do they need updating? | | | | a really valuable way of working through some |
| Rules and boundaries will need to change as your | | | | challenges. Standing in your authority creates a safe |
| daughter gets older.o It is a good idea to involve her in | | | | container for her to occasionally push against, feel her |
| the rules and ask her to consider consequences if | | | | own boundaries and grow in. |
| they're broken. She will feel heard by you and it gets | | | | 8. Address the behaviour not the girl - You might be |
| away from a 'lecturing' style of parenting.o Realistic | | | | feeling like your teen is testing your boundaries all the |
| and consistent consequences are part of her school | | | | time. It's really important to have the capacity to hang |
| and communityo Creating rules and boundaries at | | | | in there, be the bigger person (the adult), put aside your |
| home with consequences, then responding | | | | hurt and frustration at times and make sure she |
| appropriately in a consistent way creates an | | | | knows you love her despite what she does. |
| environment of security and direction for your teen girl. | | | | Importantly, that you love her enough not to let her |
| 2. Listening - the prefrontal cortex at the front of the | | | | develop behaviours that may be harmful to herself or |
| brain is about compassion, reasoning and empathy. It is | | | | anyone else. Direct your complaints and comments at |
| still developing in teens and develops through | | | | the behaviour, not the girl. Try to keep your complaints |
| experience. Through learnt behaviour from modelling | | | | short and to the point, it will ensure you have an |
| and role models. Stand for being listened to and model | | | | engaged teen. (this tip applies to spouses and family |
| respect through listening to your teen. Even when | | | | and friends in general) |
| disagreeing, it is important to allow your daughter time | | | | With problematic behaviour try and avoid name calling, |
| to express her feelings and thoughts. Modelling 'clean | | | | and put downy language like: "you're lazy" or "that was |
| arguing' and developing guidelines around appropriate | | | | stupid." Focus on the behaviour that created the |
| behaviours around conflict is important for her in all her | | | | problem such as not studying or not asking for needed |
| relationships. Again consistency is important here and | | | | help. Make sure she gets some positive strokes. E.g. let |
| you leading by example. | | | | her know that you're confident she can change things |
| What To Look Out For When Setting A Punishment. | | | | around and are going to work with her to make sure |
| 3. Pick up and respond to inappropriate behaviour early. | | | | the behaviour improves. |
| Try not punish in anger -when we punish in anger or | | | | 11. Give your daughter space to fail or mess up. This is |
| frustration it's probably a sign that we may have worn | | | | part of her psychological growth and development in |
| out our patience or have let things go on for far too | | | | real life skills for the future. Often failures are |
| long. A burst of sudden anger can have a dramatic | | | | wonderful opportunities for learning and deepening |
| effect but will ultimately create blocks in | | | | strength of character. Again, avoid the lecturing but |
| communication. Teens will often shut down around | | | | help her reflect on what she might do differently. |
| parents who revert to always getting angry and yelling. | | | | Please do write to me if you have any questions |
| You can lose respect and may simply create a teen | | | | about this. |
| that mimics your behaviour to siblings or back at you. | | | | |