| "> | | | | hanging out time, encouragement? |
| Handling your child or teens mean or critical comments | | | | What does she need? A good question to ask is "If I |
| can be quite challenging. We love our kids and sacrifice | | | | could wave a magic wand and fix what you are |
| so much for them, that comments like these cut to the | | | | dealing with, what would happen?" The answers may |
| core. Following are some ideas on how to handle your | | | | surprise you. Kids and teens do not just know these |
| child or teens mean or critical comments. The great | | | | answers -- they figure them out as you ask them |
| thing about this topic is that you can apply it to | | | | good questions. Sometimes it is that something needs |
| anyone's hurtful comments. | | | | to happen, or that something distressing needs to stop. |
| I'm focusing on children's or teens comments because | | | | What do you need? What do you need in this |
| those take a little more understanding. Often children | | | | situation? Is it affirmation from another adult that there |
| and adults alike will feel hurt and frustrations, and hold | | | | is hope, that you are doing a good job, or that you |
| these feelings in until there is so much built up that they | | | | need a break or practical help with parenting? Check in |
| come spewing out. When this happens the intensity of | | | | with yourself. If your needs are not met to a minimal |
| the comments as well as the strength of the words | | | | amount, you won't be able to be there for your child or |
| will be excessive. This applies to us parents as well -- | | | | teen. Our emotional needs should not be filled by our |
| we all can say forceful words when angry, frustrated, | | | | kids. They need to be who they are, going through |
| or afraid. | | | | what they are going through. It is not up to them to |
| Realize it is normal for you to feel hurt, shocked, angry | | | | make us feel OK, adequate, or good enough. These |
| and confused when receiving a mean comment. So, if | | | | are normal needs that every parent has -- they just |
| you have this reaction you are very, very normal. As a | | | | need to be met by other adults, not by your kids. |
| parent and an adult, it is up to us to stay the grown up | | | | Work with yourself on what they've shared. Ask |
| and not respond back in pain in a similar manner. | | | | yourself - is there a kernel of truth in what my child or |
| One caveat to the tips I'm sharing is that you do not | | | | teen has shared? What could I do to help my child in |
| need to listen to abusive talk toward you. For instance, | | | | this situation? Please know that just by listening in an |
| it is OK but hard to hear you child say they are mad at | | | | empathetic and validating way you are already doing a |
| you, frustrated with you, irritated by you, etc. You do | | | | lot! |
| not have to listen if your child or teen curses at you, | | | | What can you say to yourself that's an |
| calls you names, or is trashing you. If this occurs, I | | | | encouragement? Maybe things like "I am a good |
| would say, "I can tell you are in a lot of pain, and you | | | | parent even if I'm not perfect. I can give myself the gift |
| have a lot to say. I will not allow myself to be sworn at | | | | of listening to my child/teen and build the relationship. I |
| or called names. How about if we both calm down | | | | can repair the relationship, if needed. All the love and |
| and try again in an hour. I'd like to hear specifically what | | | | effort I've given my child/teen will pay off - it is deep |
| you are upset about and how you are feeling. I'm going | | | | inside them, and none of it goes to waste". Add your |
| out for a walk. I'll be back in an hour, and we can try | | | | own statements to this list. |
| again." Likewise, if you find yourself yelling or name | | | | What is one concrete thing you could do to consider |
| calling, or making sweeping statements such as "you | | | | and respond to your child's complaint? Write out |
| always" or "you never", you need to take a break until | | | | possibilities, even if small. Even though it may seem like |
| you've calmed down. | | | | one more thing that you now have to do you don't |
| Following are a few tips to help you turn negative | | | | have time for, it will be worth the effort. Remember a |
| comments from a painful experience to one that | | | | happy child/teen is much easier to deal with than one |
| actually deepens and strengthens your relationship with | | | | who is tied up inside with pain and frustration. |
| your child or teen. The goal is to understand your child | | | | Is there anything you need to apologize for? |
| or teen better, increase the emotional safety in your | | | | Remember that most of the things kids feel hurt or |
| relationship by being a safe person while he/she | | | | frustrated by are unintentional, and sometimes are |
| shares feelings, and repair whatever real or perceived | | | | distortions on their part. Even if this is true the |
| hurt has occurred. You can actually come out closer | | | | emotional hurt needs to be repaired. |
| than when you started. | | | | Remember you don't need to figure out all this in the |
| Listen - Listen to what they are saying - Try to listen all | | | | spur of the moment. That would be almost impossible |
| the way through. As normal as it is to interrupt, interject | | | | to do. It's fine to summarize to your teen what you've |
| and respond back immediately, it will short circuit the | | | | heard him/her share (thoughts/feelings/main complaint), |
| interaction, and you won't be able to make headway | | | | and then say I really want to think about how to |
| with your child or teen. | | | | respond to this -- because what you have shared is |
| Open your heart and mind - Try not to be defensive. | | | | really important to me. I'll think some more about it and |
| This isn't about defending yourself -- this is about | | | | I'd like you to as well. Let's talk more about it tomorrow. |
| hearing your child /teen, letting them know you take | | | | This will then give you time to think it all through, pray |
| their pain seriously, and will work with them to come up | | | | about it, and get support from a friend. Make sure you |
| with a solution. | | | | bring it up with your child/teen the next day -- |
| What is he/she trying to say? - As you listen, ask | | | | otherwise this will really hurt. |
| yourself what is her main complaint? What feelings is | | | | Remember to thank them for taking the risk to share |
| he/she having? If you had to boil down his/her | | | | their tender thoughts and feelings with you. It is a huge |
| thoughts and feelings into one or two sentences, what | | | | gift to you to have them open up and show you their |
| would it be? | | | | hurts and feelings. Even though it is hard to hear, the |
| What is the pain he/she is trying to express? Is she | | | | alternative of them handling these feelings and |
| feeling ignored, not considered, that something is unfair, | | | | frustrations on their own, then acting them out with |
| that he's been harmed in some way, that he/she isn't | | | | disturbing behavior is a pretty bad option -- for you and |
| getting enough attention or listening time, etc? Try to | | | | for them! |
| boil it down so that you can understand it better. | | | | I sure hope this helped. You are amazing to want to |
| What is he/she saying is missing? This is always a | | | | learn how to help your children and teens when they |
| good thing to listen for - is it time, love, affection, | | | | are hurt and frustrated. |
| fairness, being understood, appropriate freedom, | | | | |