| Every teenager will become oppositional from time to | | | | You will also need to have a clear goal. This means, |
| time. It's normal; and particularly when they feel upset | | | | you need to know where you want to get, since your |
| or stressed. Oppositional behaviors can become a | | | | interventions should be directed to this goal. Don't try to |
| matter of concern if they start interfering with their | | | | directly go for your point because this will only trigger |
| social, academic or family life. | | | | another escalation. You need to be subtle and "hide" |
| Oppositional/Defiant behaviors are characterized by | | | | your goal because if it becomes visible during the initial |
| the Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry as: | | | | phase it will backfire. You have to slowly leak it at the |
| - Frequent temper tantrums | | | | end of the second phase (peak and/or plateau). Think |
| - Excessive arguing with adults | | | | of it as a chess game. If you start making random |
| - Often questioning rules | | | | moves to see what happens the other player (who |
| - Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult | | | | has a plan or idea) will beat you in the blink of an eye. |
| requests and rules | | | | Also, since you are the authority figure you will have |
| - Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people | | | | some sort of leverage. Use it, but never as a threat or |
| - Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior | | | | coercion. Use that differential of power wisely. |
| - Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others | | | | Yesterday I spent an hour and a half de-escalating a |
| - Frequent anger and resentment | | | | 15 year old boy. During that hour an and a half he |
| - Mean and hateful talking when upset | | | | refused to talk to me, followed by a half hour cathartic |
| In this article I'm not going to focus just on ODD | | | | period. He then calmed down a bit and while talking to |
| (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), the pathological form, | | | | me he starting packing and dressing up to leave. I let |
| but also on its usual (normal) manifestations. I'll focus on | | | | him do it, but I kept talking to him. At one point I noticed |
| the ones that you are going to most likely find in every | | | | that his bag was already full so he started taking stuff |
| day life and how to defuse them. If you are specifically | | | | out and putting other stuff in. He tied his shoes twice, |
| looking for ODD you can refer to the Academy's | | | | groomed himself for a bit and paced around the room |
| page. It's a good source. | | | | aimlessly. At that point I knew that he knew he wasn't |
| When a teenager becomes oppositional the first thing | | | | gonna go anywhere but the job hadn't been finished |
| you need to know is that you are going to need | | | | yet. He was still upset but open to talk. At that point I |
| patience. Lots of it. Usually, to de-escalate him or her it | | | | asked him to sit by me on his bed. Apparently he was |
| would take you as long as a usual discussion with your | | | | ready for it since he did. That was the first moment |
| girl/boyfriend or partner. That would be between an | | | | where he was actually compliant. Score! Asking him to |
| hour and a half and two hours. It follows the normal | | | | sit by me wasn't just for the sake of it. |
| curve (AKA Gaussian function or Bell curve). An initial | | | | Our "conversation" started with him sitting on the floor |
| moment of increasing tension. A peak, usually followed | | | | throwing things and breaking furniture. I was standing |
| by a plateau where you may feel that you are getting | | | | when I entered his room. Here you need to think about |
| nowhere and a decline (the de-escalation). | | | | primal interactions and body language. He had to look |
| The second thing you need to take into account is that | | | | up to talk to me or even to make eye contact. I was |
| it's going to be a chess game. You are the authority | | | | "on top", which doesn't help solve authority disputes. |
| figure and that's the main problem. Oppositional and | | | | Next thing I did was to sit and start talking to him. He |
| defiant behaviors are tightly bonded to authority. In my | | | | stood up and started to walk and talk. From an |
| experience, when dealing with neurotypical people, | | | | eye-to-eye perspective he was above me. You need |
| time-outs are only going to give them time to stay on | | | | to work with that illusion. When I asked him to sit by |
| that negative trend of thought and is not going to help | | | | me we were both at the same level, and that was the |
| the situation get any better. You need to talk him or | | | | beginning of the end of the argument. From there I |
| her out of it. Don't expect time itself to work magic. | | | | could finally reason with him, joked a little bit while still |
| And if it does, there are gonna be hurt feelings. In other | | | | talking and finally made my point firmly.He went to bed |
| words, as a parent, your intervention is needed. | | | | giggling and in an excellent mood. |
| There are basically two actions that you need to take. | | | | In conclusion, it all goes down to a power struggle. The |
| The first one is active listening. Let him vent and be | | | | key is not to get engaged in it, since you'll be playing |
| aware that you will hear things that you won't like; but | | | | the teenager's game. You need to make that struggle |
| don't get into an argument. That won't help either. The | | | | as subtle as you can during most of the conversation, |
| me vs. him approach won't work. Instead, listen and | | | | or at least until you consider the person is ready to |
| wait for the right moment to make your interventions, | | | | acknowledge the fact that there is a "chain of |
| pointing out the weak points of his or her argument | | | | command" and his way is not a viable option. In the |
| and redirecting the conversation continually. Timing is | | | | process you will gain respect, a sense that what you |
| paramount here. The de-escalation rate will be directly | | | | want is not a whim and last but not least, you'll look as |
| tied to how timely and on the spot your interventions | | | | someone approachable in his eyes, which will help in |
| are. | | | | future occurrences. |