| When parents are bound and determined to blame | | | | Some parents worry because their children do not |
| themselves for their older teens/young adult children's | | | | seem to have healthy relationships. They choose |
| problems, and feel responsible to somehow fix their | | | | partners who are all wrong and hang on to them in |
| lives or make it up to them, the outcome is predictably | | | | spite of the chaos and craziness. Others agonize over |
| dismal. The children are overindulged but do not | | | | children who sink into substance abuse or depression, |
| improve, and the parents are so focused on the | | | | or make disastrous financial mistakes, running up credit |
| children that their own lives suffer. | | | | card debts, loaning money to irresponsible friends, |
| If guilt has a grip on you and you blame yourself for | | | | making major purchases they can't afford, or getting in |
| your children's problems, it is not too late to make your | | | | trouble for writing bounced checks. |
| life better. You may not be able to change your | | | | Parents who watch their children make terrible choices |
| children, although they may change in response to your | | | | are always grief-stricken and usually guilt-ridden. They |
| new behavior. But whatever happens with them, you | | | | ask: What did we do? Where did we go wrong? By |
| deserve to be free to live your own life. | | | | the time I see parents like these they've tried |
| Consider Joanna, my client of several years: Joanna | | | | everything-made demands, threatened, supported their |
| fell apart when her boys were young. A single mother | | | | children emotionally and financially, encouraged, cajoled, |
| at the time, overworked and going through her own | | | | and prayed-but nothing's worked. They sit in my office |
| emotional problems, she simply couldn't manage the | | | | stunned and worried. What should they do? |
| boys any longer. She gave custody of the boys over | | | | As harsh as it may sound, parents with troubled |
| to their father and moved to her sister's home in | | | | children like these need to save themselves. This does |
| another state. While living with her sister she went to | | | | not necessarily mean they close the door on their |
| therapy, started taking medication, and eventually got | | | | children, although it might. Parents need to establish |
| better; it took two years. Feeling stronger and longing | | | | clear and concrete boundaries with their troubled |
| for her children, Joanna moved back. She was | | | | young adults. |
| involved in her boys' lives, but they continued to live | | | | Boundaries are like fences. What's inside the fence |
| with their father. | | | | belongs to the parents, what is outside the fence |
| The boys began to run amok during their teenage | | | | belongs to the children. Here are some examples of |
| years: truancy, alcohol, drugs, the whole nine yards. | | | | establishing boundaries with young adult children: |
| Joanna, determined to make up for the lost years, | | | | - If your children still live at home: It is YOUR home. |
| turned her full attention to her sons. | | | | Establish rules for living with you IN WRITING. This |
| From ages fifteen and seventeen to their late twenties | | | | might include curfews, chores, expected financial |
| and early thirties, they completely dominated her life. | | | | contribution to the household and so forth. Discuss and |
| She felt so guilty for having left them as children that | | | | post the rules. Make it clear that if the rules are not |
| she couldn't say no to them. She knew better, but in | | | | followed the child must move out. Enforce this if |
| the marrow of her bones were those old | | | | necessary! |
| mother-blaming messages, which overrode intellect | | | | - If your children do not live with you: Change your |
| and reason. | | | | locks if they have keys to your house. Visiting YOUR |
| Although Joanna did the best she could when the | | | | home should be on YOUR terms. |
| boys were young and she was ill, she still felt | | | | - Stop giving your children money. Let your kids |
| responsible for her sons' bad choices. Sure it was all | | | | know-face-to-face, by phone, by email, by post-that |
| her fault, she bought houses for them, bailed them out | | | | you will no longer finance them. And stick by it! |
| of jail, moved them in with her, and gave them money. | | | | OR |
| The only thing that changed was that her emotional | | | | - Establish rules for how you will give money to your |
| health suffered. At one point not too long ago, she said | | | | children: You will continue paying college tuition if their |
| she'd been thinking about leaving the state and moving | | | | grade average is___ (whatever you decide). You will |
| back to her sister's. | | | | help with the rent as long as they maintain a job, you |
| Let's analyze Joanna's guilt: Joanna felt guilty for | | | | see their pay-check, and there is no evidence of drug |
| abandoning her children when they were young . | | | | use. Otherwise, NO MONEY. Make it clear that you will |
| Although she did the best she could do at the time, she | | | | immediately cut off their cell phone service if they go |
| knew her parenting was dismal. This healthy guilt | | | | over their minutes. |
| motivated her to do all she could to be a good parent | | | | - You will no longer tolerate disrespect or abuse |
| when she recovered. Although she did not have | | | | (including abusive language). If disrespect occurs, you |
| custody of her boys, she saw them as often as she | | | | will cut off contact and they will have to earn it back. |
| could. They visited her home every week, and she | | | | These healthy boundaries will not only make your life |
| attended all the school and extracurricular activities | | | | more enjoyable, they will also help your children by |
| that she possibly could. She supported her children | | | | providing needed structure to their lives. Children, even |
| financially and emotionally. But toxic guilt took over. | | | | young adult ones, learn by example and when you |
| Instead of setting reasonable limits on what she would | | | | respect yourself, your children will learn about respect |
| and would not do for her boys, she was at their beck | | | | as well. |
| and call. But no matter what she did for them, their | | | | Problematic children often slam doors and yell about |
| behavior did not improve. The result of toxic guilt was | | | | wanting to be treated like adults. So do it. Respectfully |
| that Joanna overindulged her children and depleted her | | | | tell them that you have every faith in their ability to |
| financial and emotional resources. | | | | make it on their own. This is what Paul and Marie |
| Even when people love, honor, and respect their | | | | decided to do after their son, Ryan, created havoc in |
| children and discipline them appropriately, there is no | | | | their home for over a year because they would not |
| guarantee that the children will grow up to be good | | | | buy him the truck of his dreams. Instead of continuing |
| citizens who lead meaningful and satisfying lives. There | | | | to refuse and then explain why they couldn't afford |
| are parents who watch helplessly as their children | | | | such an expensive vehicle, they switched tactics and |
| spiral downward, blaming themselves for what their | | | | became advocates for him. They told him they were |
| children are becoming, when there really is nothing they | | | | certain that he would find a way to buy his truck and |
| could have done that would have made a difference. | | | | assured him they were behind his efforts in every |
| Juan's parents stood by helplessly and watched their | | | | way (except financially). By making Ryan responsible |
| bright, happy fifth-grade boy morph into a surly, | | | | for his dream, the entire perspective changed. Ryan |
| smart-mouthed teen who hangs out with a bunch of | | | | got a second job and some months later, bought |
| losers, sleeps through classes, and skips school. | | | | himself an older model, used truck. His parents |
| Jenny's parents grieve that what was once their | | | | celebrated with him. The conflict between Ryan and |
| sweet, bubbly little ballet dancer now dresses gothic, | | | | his parents disappeared and a valuable lesson was |
| has a tongue piercing, and steals money from her | | | | learned. |
| mom's purse. Eddie went off to college, partied his | | | | You can become your children's cheerleader, |
| way out, and came home to roost. Now he doesn't go | | | | encouraging and supporting them. This is your chance |
| to school or have a job. He's out all night with old | | | | to step back and let them go, guilt free. You can be |
| high-school buddies, sleeps until noon, and storms out | | | | guilt free because you are doing the right thing for your |
| of the house when Mom or Dad confronts him about | | | | children by establishing boundaries. You can be guilt |
| his behavior. Suzy flunked out of State U. Now she | | | | free because your children are making their own |
| lives with a man who doesn't have a job. Her parents | | | | choices. You can be guilt free because it is only |
| are terrified she'll get pregnant. They have no idea | | | | reasonable to value your own life as well as the lives |
| how she could she support a child on her salary as a | | | | of your children. You can be guilt free because you |
| telemarketer. | | | | are doing the right thing for everyone. |