| One day you wake up and you hear this familiar voice | | | | or it was careless and thoughtless, either way-- it's |
| talking over the phone, and you realize that you don't | | | | your problem to figure out how to pay for the repair, |
| much like anything they are saying. Worse, now they | | | | not mine." I make sure that teenagers do have their |
| are talking about you in a less than flattering way, and | | | | own resources, savings and then, they do have |
| complaining about everything under the sun. You | | | | something to lose if they cause a loss to anyone. |
| wonder "Where did I go WRONG?" | | | | Borrowed someone's headset and it got stolen? Too |
| Why do they feel that way, when did they start | | | | bad for you, not them. |
| sounding so shallow and cynical? Do they really hate | | | | Strategy 11: HAVE A BATTLE, AS NEEDED. You |
| everyone here that much? | | | | have to pick your battles, but make no mistake, you |
| You have all these happier memories of their soccer | | | | also have to have a few battles-- you can be a friend, |
| days, and birthday parties, and you wonder when did | | | | but never at the expense of being a parent. You set |
| those days stop and these start? Well, who knows, | | | | the guidelines. That is your role. If you find your |
| but it happens a lot, we all know children grow up and | | | | teenager being sneaky, dishonest and losing your |
| teenagerdom, is just an inevitable part of that. Of | | | | trust-- well guess what, it is your duty to deal with that. |
| course, we want to see them taking steps towards | | | | You have to hold them accountable and let them |
| adulthood, getting the learner's permit, then the license, | | | | know that you're unwilling to be lied to. If they can't be |
| going to the Prom, gaining work experience after | | | | trusted to be where they say they'll be, be with who |
| school and during their Summers, but we wonder why | | | | they say they're with, doing whatever they said they'd |
| do they seem so distant and disconnected from us. | | | | be doing-- well then they need a lot more supervision, |
| Much as we love them, we find they don't want to | | | | right? And it is your role to provide that, unless and until |
| make the time of day for us, or so it seems and it is | | | | they get back into gear. Raising some teenagers is like |
| increasingly hard to relate to them, in the ways we | | | | a game of behavioral gopher bash, but in some ways |
| once did so easily. Well the good news is there are | | | | with that sort of teenager, at least you stay on your |
| things to do about all of that. Here are just a few ideas | | | | toes. Like they say, it's those quiet ones, you need to |
| that have helped me stay in tune with my many | | | | worry about. Think about when your children were |
| teenagers! Not all work with each one, you have to | | | | young, if they were playing in a room and you could |
| sort of size up the situation and think about what | | | | hear some degree of commotion, it was almost |
| would or wouldn't fly with your teenagers. And I've | | | | reassuring. Well teenage commotion sounds a little |
| dealt with my share of battles, and even have a few | | | | different, but it is the same general idea, when the |
| figurative scars to show for that, when they haven't | | | | noise stops--watch out, figure out what they're up to, |
| gone well. The only one I have to say is critical is #7-- | | | | fast. |
| that one is a must, for any parent who needs to | | | | There are tons of ways, as you can see, to take |
| re-establish a line of communication with their teenager. | | | | down any walls our teenagers may want to put up, |
| So here are some thoughts on getting back to some | | | | but it is better to just keep connected somehow. |
| relationship basics. The home isn't a dorm and you | | | | These sorts of approaches can help, but only if you |
| aren't the maid, chauffeur, or doormat, so building the | | | | stay consistent and work with a few of them. |
| relationship back up to where it belongs is the ONLY | | | | Our teenagers are facing a lot of uncertainties, and |
| option they get. And once things are back in place, | | | | they need us to help them stay focused and on the |
| they really will be a much happier camper and you'll be | | | | right path, even though THEY might forget that |
| a much happier parent, too. | | | | sometimes, as parents we can't forget it. You can't |
| Strategy 1: DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, | | | | allow teenagers to completely close off an open line |
| TOGETHER! If you have no budget, then do work | | | | of communication-- you also can't demand that they |
| together. Find the means to MAKE time for doing | | | | communicate with you. Instead you have to be willing |
| something, anything, with your teenager. If they try to | | | | to put TIME and effort in. It won't take all day every |
| put up roadblocks, find ways around them. For | | | | day, nothing close, though sometimes even that might |
| example, when you are driving your teenager | | | | be called for. If you spend SOME time with them |
| someplace, leave a little early and find a spot to stop | | | | routinely that is the better way to go. |
| for a snack, or an ice cream cone, or stop at a yard | | | | We forget in our adult world, just what a challenge it is |
| sale en route, The more times you can work in some | | | | to go through the business of growing up. It isn't easy |
| one-on-one moments like that, in a month, the better. | | | | to be a teenager, personally, I wouldn't go back to that |
| Sometimes when there is a cold war going on, a trip to | | | | time in my life, given the option. Just last week three |
| the movie, or a visit to relatives, works well. | | | | teenagers died in my area, in a car crash, two had just |
| Strategy 2: USE PURCHASES TO OPEN UP LINES | | | | graduated and my heart went out to their parents. |
| OF COMMUNICATION. Example, I worked with a | | | | Love your kids, everyday in some way, you'll never |
| youth who was few on words and I had a very hard | | | | look back and regret that you didn't work overtime, but |
| to converse with him. Still like any teenager, he had his | | | | if you don't make time for your teenagers you might |
| fair share of wants. So when he wanted a new pair | | | | very well look back and regret that. |
| of "kicks" we shopped at the mall for them and then | | | | No matter how rebellious, unappreciative, or selfish, |
| online, to compare the prices, we found a great deal | | | | teenagers act at times, even for PROLONGED |
| online and talked about the risks of ordering out of | | | | periods of time remember this: it is when we are at |
| China, and that sort of thing, soon he was participating | | | | our least lovable that we most need love. |
| and relating things about himself and his friends. It | | | | If you do your part to improve things and take the |
| ended up being a means to get him talking and also to | | | | relationship into a better direction, it is likely that before |
| teach him some important lessons on how to shop | | | | you know it, your teenager will surprise you by making |
| and the sorts of things to consider in making a | | | | reciprocal sorts of efforts. And when that happens |
| purchase. It made a bridge where none had been. | | | | you'll see all those qualities you thought were gone |
| Strategy 3: KNOW THE FRIENDS! Don't just go with | | | | forever, were still there all the while. Sometimes we |
| the flow when your teenager takes up a new | | | | just don't look long and hard enough to see them and |
| friendship. Meet them, have them come over for dinner | | | | sometimes they've been dormant for awhile, but they |
| after school. Get THEIR house phone number so you | | | | are there. |
| can reach their parents, if you ever feel the need to. | | | | Often the teenagers I work with in foster care, have |
| Just knowing that you have that phone number and do | | | | had some sort of major breakdown of the relationship |
| know how to call their parents, can curtail some sorts | | | | they have with their parent (s). That isn't always the |
| of problems. It amazes me how often parents aren't | | | | case, but often the case. And if we work on repairing |
| keeping tabs on how to reach the OTHER parents, of | | | | that relationship, it is just amazing how quickly |
| the kids their teenager is hanging out with. Some | | | | everything starts to go better for them. Why? |
| parents let their teenagers go out and about with | | | | Because at everyone's core, there is the hope to be |
| peers they've never even met. You should know the | | | | accepted by one's parents and to meet with their |
| other kid's FULL name, where they live, their phone | | | | approval. That is something that every parent should |
| number and what interests are shared. What is the | | | | realize and work with. |
| BASIS for this friendship? If your sophomore starts | | | | YES! It is true, your teenager wants your approval and |
| hanging out with two older unemployed high school | | | | if things haven't been ideal, as a parent you can turn it |
| drop outs-- don't make criticisms of them-- just let your | | | | all around, BECAUSE what you think really matters |
| son know that he can either hang out with his friends | | | | much more than you imagine it does. Just like you, on |
| from school, or he can hang out in his room. These | | | | some level want them to approve of you, to accept |
| sorts of friends could very easily make your teenager | | | | you and to forgive you for your failings. What parent |
| consider dropping out of school is a viable option. If | | | | doesn't miss the boat along the way? We all make |
| your son wants these two for friends, then the | | | | mistakes, parents and teenagers alike. We have to |
| friendship happens on YOUR turf, they visit at your | | | | have mechanisms to forgive one another for the |
| house where you can keep tabs on things. You'd be | | | | many shortfalls. |
| surprised how quickly friends you have concerns | | | | Teenagers want recognition for what they do well and |
| about fade away, when you put down some limits | | | | parents want the same, on some level. But what |
| around those types of contacts. | | | | teenager really goes around feeling gratitude to their |
| Make your expectations clear when they visit. If your | | | | parents, every moment of every day? None I know |
| teenager gets mouthier than usual when they are | | | | of. Parents can feel those sorts of things, mainly |
| around a certain friend, point it out, privately, once. Then | | | | because we are old enough to take stock and to |
| if it happens again, address it there and then right in | | | | know that there are no guarantees, to value the here |
| front of the friend. " Who are you speaking to? I think | | | | and now. Teenagers have an entirely different outlook, |
| you and me have to have another discussion, I'm sorry | | | | one that reflects their more short sighted and impulsive |
| Joey, you'll have to leave now." | | | | thinking and their lack of mature judgment. |
| Yeah, they will be embarrassed, but if you put them on | | | | They take all sorts of things for granted because they |
| notice earlier and let them know their behavior | | | | have to be focused on the business of growing up. |
| towards you changes around a particular friend, then | | | | They start putting some of the emotional distance |
| they should have been minding their manners, if they | | | | they'll need to leave us behind someday, and go off to |
| didn't-- maybe that is their way of letting you know | | | | lead their lives, independently. Think about how this |
| that they ARE getting negatively influenced and they | | | | same child at a younger age might have even said |
| aren't able to think for themself around this particular | | | | things like, "I hope we can live together forever, even |
| friend. If that's the case, you definitely need to nip | | | | when I get big!" Somewhere along the way, they |
| things in the bud, before that friendship leads to more | | | | definitely re-thought that one, lol! And we knew they |
| negative behaviors. You can't "choose their friends" but | | | | would. Some of them just need some help realizing |
| you can definitely put a big damper on any friendships | | | | that even though they are nearly grown, they aren't |
| that you DON'T approve of. | | | | there yet and that they don't have to kill mosquitoes |
| Strategy 4: INVOLVE YOUR TEENAGERS IN | | | | with a bazooka, either. Sure they want SOME space, |
| PROJECTS WITH YOUTH GROUPS, COMMUNITY | | | | room to grow, but they don't need to do that by |
| OFFERINGS THAT DRAW THE TYPES OF PEERS | | | | getting completely distant and detached from their |
| THAT YOU WANT THEM TO ASSOCIATE WITH | | | | parents, either. There is that happy medium. |
| AND THEN PARTICIPATE BY SUPPORTING THE | | | | In our crazy world, plenty of good parents and good |
| GROUP IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER. If your | | | | kids can go through terrible times that do damage to |
| teenager needs a summer job find out what agencies | | | | relationships. When children have been hurt somehow, |
| have the WIA FUNDS in your area, talk to them about | | | | they rarely fall into their parent's arms for comfort and |
| the programs and then GO WITH THEM, meet the | | | | support, they often lash out and isolate, and push |
| staff, help them with the application, often teenagers | | | | away the people whose love and support they |
| don't know as much as you'd think they might about | | | | actually need. Your teenager could have gone to |
| things like a job application. Support their efforts to be | | | | school and gotten humiliated, ridiculed or insulted today. |
| involved in ANYTHING that is good and appropriate | | | | They don't want to tell you about that, perhaps. SO, |
| for them, if they like horses, give them some means to | | | | instead when you start talking about the days events, |
| get to a stable, take riding lessons, go to horse camp, | | | | they clam up, or even snap at you. Give them some |
| etc... get a birthday card with a horse on it. Better | | | | leeway, when they get emotional. Talk it over after |
| horses than alcohol! Make the time to help them have | | | | they've had a chance to take stock. If your teenager |
| access to the things they love that are wholesome | | | | isolates constantly though, then you may need to |
| and good. Like if they like Basketball, put a hoop up, | | | | re-open the lines of communication by seeking some |
| buy them shoes, and a good quality ball. Show them | | | | professional help. |
| that you fully support their better ideas and better | | | | It isn't a sign of poor parenting to get that help-- it is a |
| choices, reinforce every good thing they have any | | | | sign of poor parenting to ignore it when help is out |
| interest in. They will really appreciate those gestures of | | | | there and a parent won't utilize it. If you can't fix what's |
| support and who knows maybe your help and support | | | | wrong with your washing machine, you call in a |
| will someday lead to their future endeavors. My son | | | | repairman, right? Well it is the same with your |
| was very "hands on" He also had a moderate learning | | | | relationship with your teenager-- get help, if that is what |
| disability, SO, I got him lots of models and rocket kits, | | | | it takes. Don't ignore RED FLAGS, pay close attention |
| and made sure that his issues got documented and | | | | to them. |
| that he had an accommodation plan-- he ended up | | | | Your teenager really needs guidance and support to |
| being an engineer. | | | | keep them on a good path. And while it seems like |
| Strategy 5: GET ON THEIR LEVEL. If your teenager | | | | they only care about their friends, it is critical to make |
| loves football and you have ZERO interest in football, | | | | them maintain that connection with you, their family |
| does that mean you can't host a pizza party and | | | | members and roots. When they start to stray off, or |
| watch the game or two? You can manage that. Who | | | | make friends with teenagers who you see as bad |
| knows watch enough of it and you might enjoy it-- | | | | influences, all the more important that you get them to |
| eventually. Better yet, splurge and take them to see | | | | refocus and help them to get a better set of priorities |
| the game, if it is hard to come up with the funds, make | | | | back into place. You can't stop your teenager from |
| them contribute half. | | | | associating with peers you don't approve of. They'll |
| Strategy 6: RE-DO SOMETHING AT HOME -- A | | | | see them at school, and with today's technologies, let's |
| piece of furniture, a room, (USUALLY THEIR ROOM, | | | | fact it, it is hard to know what goes on over a cell |
| APPEALS TO MOST OF THEM) No matter what the | | | | phone or the Internet. You can only do so much to |
| budget is like, there is something around your home | | | | curtail the contact. But you can curtail the contact, if |
| that needs fixing, maybe it is part of the yard, or the | | | | you don't approve of the peer. Peers are very |
| kitchen cabinets. There is nothing like taking on some | | | | influential and you should keep track of how you |
| sort of constructive idea and putting it into action. | | | | teenager behaves when they are around one friend, |
| Accomplish something as a team. Make the schedule | | | | as opposed to another. Talk it over if you see a |
| and set aside the time in advance, plan and shop for | | | | problem and if the response isn't good, then don't |
| the things you need together and most importantly DO | | | | support that friendship, encourage them to connect |
| the work together, put on the music you listened to | | | | with the peers you do approve of, through activities |
| when you were a teenager and talk about how there | | | | and offers. |
| is nothing new under the sun and the sorts of issues | | | | Given the offer to go to the movies with one friend, |
| and feelings and insecurities you had at their age. | | | | but not have the offer for another, since you don't like |
| Strategy 7: AT LEAST ONE MEAL EACH DAY, | | | | the friendship, all things being equal, it's a no-brainer for |
| TOGETHER! It can be breakfast, brunch, supper, it can | | | | them. |
| be at home, or out, it can be at McDonald's or the | | | | If your teenager starts to find it easier to relate to |
| Olive Garden-- just make a DAILY habit of breaking | | | | peers that you don't approve of, all the more reason |
| bread together for at LEAST one meal daily. | | | | for you to make your presence known, and to involve |
| Strategy 8: HOMEWORK TIME. Set aside a block of | | | | yourself, show up at school to pick them up, go to that |
| time where you are available to help with homework | | | | friend's house and meet the parent(s), don't let them |
| several times a week, or better still, every school night. | | | | hang out in a house if there is no real supervision going |
| Keep a structure in place, don't let your teenager | | | | on there. Have the friend come over tp your house |
| inform you at 10:30 that they have an overdue book | | | | after school, instead and if they get out of line, invite |
| report and it must be typed. Let them suffer the | | | | them to leave. If your teenager is so out of hand that |
| effects for their own lack of planning. Don't rescue, | | | | you can't manage to do that, then you well may need |
| teach them to be more self-disciplined about their | | | | to work with some sort of parenting support group |
| school work. And make sure that school gets | | | | and therapist to get them back in line. Send your |
| prioritized in the home. If they do well, reinforce that | | | | teenager the clear message that you love them, care |
| with praise and recognition, mention to others in the | | | | about them and that not working through whatever |
| family that so and so has really done great in Algebra | | | | problems arise about the company they're keeping just |
| this year, or that they seem to have a gift or talent in | | | | isn't an option. The only option is to work together, |
| some area. Talk to them about their future, look into | | | | period. |
| where they might continue their education once they | | | | Finally, I'd like to close with an analogy that my foster |
| graduate, or get their GED. | | | | mom, Paula Simonds, gave me on parenting which I've |
| Strategy 9: STICKY NOTES Let them know that they | | | | never forgotten, as it made so much sense: |
| are loved, or if that's too mushy, at least thought about: | | | | She said, "Think of a lamb, now if I put the lamb inside |
| "ISN'T TODAY THE DAY, YOU"RE SERVING THAT | | | | a small crate they are unhappy, they have no room to |
| DETENTION? Just a friendly reminder...." | | | | run, and nothing to explore. But, if I put the lamb in a |
| Strategy 10: CONNECT THE DOTS If your teenager | | | | vast field they cry, because they look about and they |
| starts taking a little too much for granted, then it is | | | | feel lost, all they see is an endless horizon. They can't |
| always a good idea to help them become more | | | | find their place no matter how far and wide they run. |
| grounded and gain some awareness. It's easy to feel | | | | And so the place where a lamb is happiest is where |
| resentful as a parent, if you have a teenager who | | | | there is a fenced area, one that is plenty big enough |
| makes the schedule and then lets you know what | | | | for them to run about, with lots of food, one where |
| you'll be doing, after the fact. If I get to feeling used and | | | | they can easily find the water. Now the lamb feels |
| abused, I let them know it, by snapping into it's "GIVE | | | | secure and content. And the same is true for children, |
| AND TAKE, NOT TAKE AND TAKE" mode. That | | | | they need to know the limits, as they get older, they |
| means, it is time to make them negotiate around | | | | need to have more space, but it should never be |
| literally anything they are expecting of me. And by the | | | | endless, without bounds, or they will feel just as lost as |
| time I start thinking that way, they'll generally recognize | | | | the lamb did. |
| they've been stepping on my toes a lot. | | | | I've never forgotten her rule of thumb, on parenting. |
| Example: "Oh you want a ride to the store? Okay, I | | | | She and her husband, helped me to regain my own |
| want some help with the yard and a couple bucks for | | | | way and forever influenced how I've raised my own |
| gas, since you're working. I think we can work | | | | children and parent the many teenagers who I've |
| something out here." There is nothing wrong with | | | | helped to raise, using a similar philosophy. If the field is |
| expecting things back. It encourages reciprocation. On | | | | too large, we just keep making it smaller until they can |
| a similar note, if your teenager damages something, it | | | | manage better, and once they manage that, we go |
| is good parenting to make them replace the item, | | | | from there. |
| either by working, or getting to do a lot of added | | | | Teenage years can be a wonderful time for your |
| chores. Accountability will not only help broaden their | | | | teens and you alike, it should be a very special time |
| view, they'll end up having more respect for you, | | | | where they learn to stand on their own, how to make |
| themselves and the value of property. When one of | | | | good decisions, and your relationship with them will |
| my teenagers threw a ball and broke my ceiling fan, | | | | need to change, but it doesn't need to suffer, or |
| they had to cover it. "BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" | | | | become a casualty in any of that, if what you've been |
| they protested. "Well, here's my view, either it was | | | | doing isn't working, try another approach. |
| deliberate (they were mad at me the day it happened) | | | | |