| I started my single parent journey a little over 8 years | | | | amount of change that everyone has gone through |
| ago in what then seemed a somewhat unconventional | | | | over the last year or more. |
| manner. I turned 35 and realized that it was very | | | | Also a challenge is how to define Steve's relationship |
| unlikely that I would meet someone to have a family | | | | to my son, a challenge that is different from blended |
| with before it was too late. I did some research and | | | | families where there are two parents in each family. |
| found an organization, Single Mothers by Choice | | | | It's much easier to explain my relationship to his kids - |
| (SMC). I was inspired by this growing demographic of | | | | they have a Mom that loves them very much, I'm their |
| women who, like me, had focused on their careers, | | | | Stepmom, and the roles are clear. Steve's therapist |
| hadn't met the right person, and hadn't wanted to | | | | told him before we started living together that he |
| compromise for the sake of having a child. All of us still | | | | would be my son's Dad, not his Stepdad, because he |
| wanted to have children, most of us were college | | | | doesn't have a Dad. Technically all of that is true, but |
| educated and financially stable. All of us were either | | | | how do you explain to a 7 year old, who you told |
| considering whether to have a child on our own, or had | | | | yesterday that he doesn't have a Dad, that today he |
| made the decision and were starting the process, or | | | | does? And how do you do that while also being |
| were already mothers. We turned to each other for | | | | sensitive to Steve's kids, that their Dad is now |
| support and community, and our kids knew that there | | | | someone else's Dad too, someone they're only just |
| were others out there like them, in this relatively new | | | | getting to know? It's very tricky...children are very |
| family structure. | | | | perceptive about the behaviors of adults, sensitive to |
| As I sit down to write this today, I am in a different | | | | changes, and transitions. It's only recently that we've |
| part of my journey as a parent. Having made the | | | | landed on Steve being his Stepdad, and we're not |
| choice to be a parent all those years ago, I made the | | | | really sure if that feels right. I also imagine that he will |
| decision a little while ago to be with the man who I | | | | transition into the role of Dad over time, for the |
| believe is my soul mate, to blend my little family with his | | | | reasons his therapist initially pointed out. For right now, |
| much larger one. With that choice has come some | | | | though, it gives us language to use with the children, |
| challenges, some anticipated, some not really foreseen, | | | | and a role to be in that is at least somewhat clear. |
| but most importantly it has been a time of personal | | | | The next challenge on this journey has been discipline. |
| growth. In my journey as an SMC the strengths that I | | | | This is always a challenge in blended families and a lot |
| used to help me to be an effective single parent have | | | | has been written on who takes the lead in disciplining |
| turned out to be the source of both the challenges and | | | | children and step children. It took me a long time to find |
| rewards in blending my family with Steve's. They are | | | | a way to explain to Steve why I felt we should only |
| skills that needed refining and reconsidering. With every | | | | ever discipline the kids over the bigger issues together. |
| challenge, I've learned something about both myself | | | | A very wise friend of mine, also part of a blended |
| and the rest of my family, and with every challenge | | | | family, summarized the challenge really clearly...she said |
| my journey has been enriched. | | | | that kids understand that they will always have the |
| One of the biggest transitions has been to do with | | | | unconditional love of their parents and that they know |
| communication. My communication style is direct and | | | | this even while they're being disciplined. My stepchildren |
| logical. That worked well for me in my career, and in | | | | don't know that I love them unconditionally, although I |
| my much smaller single parent family. As an SMC I | | | | do; my son doesn't know that Steve loves him |
| didn't have to communicate with anyone else, except | | | | unconditionally, although he does. So if either of us take |
| for my son. I've always been very open with him, he | | | | the lead in disciplining the other's kids, we risk rocking |
| knows the story of how he was conceived and he's | | | | what is still only a fragile foundation of our blended |
| always known he didn't have a Dad. I have answered | | | | family. Yet if we discipline together, we show the |
| any of his questions very clearly, partly because the | | | | children that we're a strong family unit, that works |
| situation was clear, and also because I have always | | | | together, that can't be fractured, even it sometimes |
| believed that children need clarity. | | | | takes Steve and I a while to agree on an approach! |
| However, as we've been blending our families over the | | | | So in taking the strengths that I used in my single |
| last 12 months, I've found myself paralyzed at times, | | | | parent family, building on them, adjusting and refining |
| and less able to take the same approach. Steve has | | | | them, I hope I have been able to use them in our new |
| three kids (12, 15 and 16) and in trying to navigate the | | | | blended family to start to build a strong foundation for |
| transition with them, as well as being sensitive to the | | | | all of us in this new and complex family structure. As |
| amount of change that has taken place in their lives | | | | well as helping navigate the challenges, this approach |
| over the last few years, I found myself not quite | | | | has enabled me to appreciate the good times. There is |
| knowing how to explain our new family structure. Early | | | | nothing quite as special as coming home to find a |
| on Steve's daughter told him that she wasn't sure how | | | | bunch of roses on the dining room table, or a single red |
| to think about my son and me. Steve's response was | | | | rose on my pillow. There is also nothing like being part |
| to listen, empathize, and tell her that he knew she | | | | of a larger family...we had Steve's kids for three |
| would figure it out. Mine would have been to explain | | | | weeks over the summer and despite the complexity |
| about step parents, step siblings, different kinds of | | | | of deciding who should go to which camp, when, etc, |
| families, etc. Many months later when she asked about | | | | they were a great three weeks, and I know that |
| the story of my son's conception, I was able to explain | | | | Steve and I wish we saw his kids more than we do. |
| about different family structures (single families, | | | | There are some special moments too.... My son, step |
| blended families, etc), and say that the more people in | | | | daughter and I singing loudly to 'Son of A Preacher |
| the world to love you, the better. That approach | | | | Man' in my van, Steve's 16 year old (who is autistic) |
| seemed to be what was needed at that point, just as | | | | asking me to repeat the word 'Sorry' over and over |
| Steve's approach had been what she needed earlier | | | | again because there is something in the way I say it |
| on. So we all learned something in our respective | | | | that makes him laugh, and Steve's 15 year old telling |
| journeys about finding the right time and right way to | | | | me the same joke many times that has a play on the |
| say the right thing, and being aware of the impact of | | | | English vs the American pronunciation of certain |
| that on everyone in the family. | | | | words...in fact all of them like to make fun of my |
| Another example of this is that until recently my son | | | | English accent at times. All of these moments have a |
| still referred to Steve's children as his friends, so I | | | | very special place in my heart. |
| suggested to him that he might consider them as | | | | So regardless of how one becomes a single parent, |
| family, as step brothers and a step sister. He was | | | | that journey is hard, that's for sure. There's also no |
| initially baffled and resistant, which is funny, because he | | | | doubt that blending families is hard. But both are |
| loves them to death, and I know he always wanted | | | | rewarding. In both I've learned something about myself. |
| siblings. It's really hard, though, to figure out when and | | | | I am thankful that as I continue on this journey, I |
| how to explain family structures. The approach that I | | | | continue to grow and learn more about myself and my |
| took as an SMC, with only my son in our relatively | | | | family and that I continue to be stretched as a person. I |
| simple family structure, was in some ways easier (at | | | | know the journey is still only really beginning, for all of |
| least when he was younger) than it is to explain our | | | | us, and I know there will be challenges in the future. It's |
| current family structure, what the relationships are, how | | | | a good journey though, founded on some good |
| everyone fits in, etc, and still stay sensitive to the | | | | choices, and I'm looking forward to the future ahead. |