| p>Parenting Question | | | | Misbehavior - Whendealing with difficult behavior in |
| "Kelly, I am a concerned aunt who has heard you on | | | | adolescents, avoid punishments such as takingaway |
| theradio and like your practical and straightforward | | | | privileges: they only teach a child to "not get caught" |
| approach. I have a BIGquestion. Recently, my | | | | next time. Makecertain the consequence is related to |
| 13-year-old niece has become friends with a group | | | | your child's misbehavior. For instance, ifyour child |
| (somewho think it is fun to hang out on the streets) | | | | comes home late, taking away TV privileges is not |
| who are negatively impacting herlife. Once an honor roll | | | | related and willprobably be ineffective. Telling them |
| student, her grades have plummeted and she is now | | | | they will need to come home one hourearlier until they |
| onthe verge of expulsion. Often she does not come | | | | prove to you they can be trusted to follow their |
| home on weekends and is doingdrugs. She hasn't | | | | curfew isrelated. The more harshly you punish, the |
| taken crystal meth, but it seems that she is on that | | | | more your child will learn how tobecome a good liar. |
| path. Iam scared for her and for my brother who has | | | | Keep your consequences firm, but kind. This will help |
| picked her up now six times fromthe emergency room | | | | tokeep the communication lines open, an essential for |
| after various overdoses. Her punishments don't seem | | | | keeping your children safe. |
| to beworking. Yet, how else can we get her to listen? | | | | 4. Coming Clean with Your Own History about Drugs |
| My question is what can I doand what can parents do | | | | and Alcohol - |
| to prevent this from happening to their kids?"--Aunt | | | | Pretending that you are "holier than thou" when you |
| Who | | | | yourself experimented withdrugs and alcohol--and the |
| Is Concerned About Difficult Behavior in Adolescents | | | | evidence is overwhelming that you did at least one |
| Positive Parenting Tip for Difficult Behavior in | | | | ofthese before the legal age limit--only makes you a |
| Adolescents | | | | hypocrite. Your children willsee right through you. If you |
| Dear Aunt Who Is Concerned About Difficult Behavior | | | | yourself are a substance abuser, take a good |
| in Adolescents: | | | | hardlook in the mirror. Children tend to model exactly |
| You are not alone in your concern when it comes to | | | | what they see. Be honest andforthcoming with your |
| teens and the negativeinfluence drugs can have on | | | | concerns. |
| their life. The American 2004 Partnership Attitude | | | | Dealing with Adolescent Substance Abuse |
| Tracking Study (PATS) found that:o Less than 18% of | | | | If your teen is already doing drugs or alcohol, here are |
| parents believe their teenager has smoked marijuana, | | | | some suggestions: |
| yet | | | | 1. Steer Clear from Punishments - Many parents, |
| 39% percent of teens report using this drug.o Just 1% | | | | counselors and otherexperts speak of a 'zero |
| of parents today believe their teen has used Ecstasy, | | | | tolerance' policy and recommend firm punishment. |
| yet 9% ofteens (approximately 2.1 million) state they | | | | Asstated above, if the punishment you're dishing out is |
| have used this drug.o Although most parents say they | | | | not directly related tothe misbehavior, you will only be |
| believe it is important to discuss drugs withtheir kids, | | | | teaching your teen to not get caught nexttime. You |
| less than 35% of teens report learning a lot about the | | | | are also not giving them an opportunity to really learn |
| dangers ofdrugs from home. | | | | from theirexperiences. I recently counseled a |
| When teens do not learn about the risks of drugs from | | | | 16-year-old who attends weekly parties wherelots of |
| home (other than theglamorized versions of drug | | | | drugs are present. She simply stated, "When my mom |
| addiction depicted on television and in the movies),you | | | | comes down harsh onme, I just want to do it more." |
| can bet they are learning from their friends. This is | | | | 2. Get Outside Help If Your Teen is Addicted - Drug |
| exactly why educationin the home is so important. | | | | addiction is too biga problem to deal with alone--period! |
| Preventing Difficult Behavior in Adolescents | | | | Learn the signs and act quickly. When itcomes to |
| There are simple, powerful ways to help your child be | | | | breaking an addiction, constant and professional |
| protected from thenegative effects of drugs and | | | | supervision is needed. |
| alcohol. You can make a critical difference inyour | | | | Contact drug and alcohol rehab centers in your area |
| teenager's life by: | | | | and get help. |
| 1. Building Your Child's Self-esteem - All children want | | | | 3. Be Open to Hearing the Tough Stuff - Strive for |
| to belong andplease their parents. And yet, if their sole | | | | open and respectfulcommunication between you and |
| self-esteem comes from being a | | | | your teen. Listen to them and listen well. What isit that |
| "pleaser" who is fed by outside validation alone (rather | | | | they are really needing? If you jump all over your teen |
| than by feeling goodabout themselves), they can be | | | | when they tellyou they would like to know what it's like |
| easily seduced by their peers to experiment withdrugs. | | | | to be drunk, find out more. The moreyou can hear, the |
| Help prevent your child from seeking external validation | | | | more they will tell--and the better chance you have of |
| later on byfocusing on your child's passions at an early | | | | keepingthem safe. |
| age, helping them learn from theconsequences of their | | | | 4. Create a Solid Community - The more extended |
| own actions, and by using encouragement that feeds | | | | family members andfriends that your teen feels |
| theirinternal validation (all discussed in detail in my book | | | | comfortable sharing with, the better! Develop |
| When You're About To Go | | | | thisnetwork and find ways to keep your teen involved |
| Off The Deep End, Don't Take Your Kids With You). | | | | in positive and meaningfulways. Encourage and look |
| 2. Teaching Them about the REAL Effects of Drugs - | | | | for ways your teen can make positive contributions |
| The more children knowabout the reality of drug | | | | toyour family, your religious organization, your |
| addiction and life on the streets, the better off theywill | | | | community, etc. |
| be. All children are curious about the world and about | | | | Experimentation with drugs and alcohol are the most |
| "forbidden fruits". | | | | difficult behaviors inadolescents that parents will |
| The more you hide, the more they will seek. Discuss | | | | face--whether they want to or not. There are noquick |
| and look for lessons aroundthe tough stuff like drugs | | | | and simple answers. Although you may want to lock |
| and alcohol as they come up in your child's life. | | | | your teen up until theymake it safely to age 21, this |
| Talk about the uncle who is an alcoholic, the cousin | | | | solution isn't practical or feasible. Improveyour chances |
| who is a drug addict andlook for movies or | | | | of keeping your teen safe by keeping the |
| experiences (like a visit to a drug rehab center) | | | | communication lines open,having clearly defined rules, |
| thatillustrate the detrimental effects of drugs. | | | | and remaining kind--but firm. |
| 3. Using Consequences that are Directly Related to | | | | |