| It is natural when you are faced with constant | | | | • Sense of status within social groupings, |
| defiance and refusal to follow your reasonable and fair | | | | • Sense of competence and achievement, |
| requests to feel cross, embarrassed and/or frustrated | | | | • Meaning and purpose — which come from |
| with your child. Sometimes you may feel that you | | | | being stretched in what we do and think, |
| have tried everything you know and everthing other | | | | Source - The Human Givens Institute |
| people have suggested and nothing has worked and | | | | Kids Behaviour Tip 3) Understand what is happening |
| now you are at your wit's end and don't know how to | | | | for your children when you use any kind of negative |
| deal with it. Sometimes you may do things that you | | | | discipline;- |
| later regret, e.g. shout at them; call them names; insult | | | | • They get the attention they want, |
| them; tell them how bad they are; use sarcasm; grab | | | | • They don't take any responsibility themselves to |
| them or physically restrain them or maybe even hit | | | | stop what they are doing |
| them. You know that none of these things are going to | | | | • They use it against you later, (they say you hurt |
| work or make things better, but it is an understandable | | | | them or their feelings etc.) |
| reaction to your feelings of helplessness and | | | | • They are controlling you, they are making you act |
| frustration. | | | | in ways predictable to them. |
| These days everyone feels they have to be perfect | | | | • One day they will be bigger and stronger than |
| and if they make mistakes they are often afraid to | | | | you, and you will not be able to control them this way |
| ask for support because they believe that everyone | | | | Kids Behaviour Tip 4) At a quiet moment away from |
| else is doing a better job and will judge them for their | | | | problems, they should be introduced to your list of |
| mistakes. There is no such thing as a perfect parent; | | | | possible sanctions for failure to follow your reasonable |
| everyone falls into the same traps at times. If | | | | instructions. You will always give a reminder of |
| someone suggests a parent may need support, the | | | | sanctions before actually setting one. |
| message that parent often hears is one of criticism of | | | | Possible sanctions |
| their ability to love, manage, care for and discipline their | | | | • removal of privileges (e.g. toys, games, phones, |
| children. This can make them feel defensive and | | | | computer, etc,) |
| reluctant to use the support that is offered. | | | | • thinking time (send them to a designated spot - |
| We would like you to consider this.... | | | | not the child's room) |
| A good parent is a parent who is prepared to seek | | | | • chore (e.g. A cleaning task) |
| help and support because they want the best for their | | | | • withdrawal of treat (take care not to withdraw |
| children. | | | | your quality time or family outings) |
| Many parents are suffering from low self esteem | | | | • cancel visit to friend. |
| brought on by stresses of modern living, family life and | | | | Kids Behaviour Tip 5) Issue your instructions with a |
| relationships. With this low self esteem, they gradually | | | | firm, strong assertive voice, show NO anger or |
| find that the balance of power in their households has | | | | emotion, set clear expectations, then remove your |
| gradually shifted towards the children, who get more | | | | attention from the situation (e.g. I would like you to stop |
| and more of their own way, because it seems easier | | | | that and I expect you to stop now, then continue with |
| than the battles that ensue when they don't. | | | | your own activity paying no attention to them or even |
| Firstly you need to work on yourself and your low self | | | | walk out of the room) Understand what is happening |
| esteem. You need to believe that what you are facing | | | | for them if you do this:- |
| on a day to day basis really can be changed, and that | | | | • They no longer have an audience or any attention. |
| you are the one that has the power to change it. | | | | • They are responsible for stopping their negative |
| Once you believe in yourself, you then need to | | | | action. |
| understand the psychology of what is going on when | | | | • You have not done anything to escalate the |
| your children behave badly. You would probably | | | | situation or that you will feel bad about when you have |
| assume that they would dislike being told off, shouted | | | | calmed down. |
| at, smacked etc, so much that when your stress levels | | | | • You have not done anything that will lower their |
| tip you over the edge into these kinds of reactions, | | | | self esteem. |
| they would respond by doing as you wish so as to | | | | • You are in control. |
| stop your reaction. Sometimes, they do stop, when | | | | Removing yourself gives them time to respond without |
| they see your extreme reaction. However, they are | | | | you watching. Give them an appropriate amount of |
| left with feelings of fear, hurt, anger and resentment. | | | | time to make the decision to do as you have asked. If |
| Their relationship with you has been damaged. They | | | | they continue with what they were doing, you go back |
| will be feeling bad about you but also bad about | | | | and state your expectations again and reinforce this |
| themselves. Their self esteem is lowered and they | | | | with a reminder of a sanction you may use if they |
| begin to feel unhappy and angry. Their bad behaviour | | | | continue. E.g. "I expect you to stop that now, if you |
| will return with more frequency and a vicious circle | | | | continue there will be a sanction." Of course they need |
| begins. | | | | to know what you mean by sanction and they need to |
| On the other hand some parents believe it is their job | | | | know what the sanctions you might use are in |
| to keep their children happy at any cost. They want to | | | | advance. |
| give their children everything that they can. They | | | | Kids Behaviour Tip 6) Praise your child. |
| believe the way to keep their children happy is to give | | | | Your praise does not need to be over the top and |
| them their attention 24/7, putting their children's needs | | | | gushing, but make a point of noticing and stating |
| before their own. Whilst some of this sentiment is | | | | exactly what they are doing that pleases you. E.g. it's |
| admirable, if your child never hears the word, "No," they | | | | really good to see you sharing your game with your |
| become spoiled and selfish and do not understand that | | | | brother. It was really helpful to take your bowl to the |
| to achieve something; to gain or win something or to | | | | kitchen. |
| buy something requires work and dedication. These | | | | Kids Behaviour Tip 7) Enlist the support of anyone |
| parents need to learn that those things they wish their | | | | who has a positive relationship with your child. |
| child to have, the child should put some kind of effort | | | | Relatives, friends, teachers, tell these people when |
| and work into. This will build their self esteem; their | | | | they have done something particularly good, ask them |
| work ethic; they appreciate the parent and the parent's | | | | to make a quiet comment about it either in person or |
| efforts more and they will develop a sense of the | | | | over the telephone. This will give your child the |
| value of money. | | | | message that you really value the good things that |
| Your job as a parent is to help your children to grow | | | | they do and that you are proud of them and want |
| and develop into independent adults equipped to | | | | others to share your pride. |
| survive in our world. This job continues from babyhood | | | | If your child presents some particularly difficult |
| to adult independence. Even as adults, if your | | | | behaviour, tell one of your supporters about this also, |
| relationship is good, they will still return to you for | | | | ask your supporters to speak to your child, again either |
| support and reassurance and to help boost their self | | | | in person or by telephone. The supporter should not |
| esteem at difficult moments in their lives. | | | | ask for explanation for the behaviour, nor should they |
| TIPS TO MAKE POSITIVE CHANGES TO YOUR | | | | reprimand, chastise or moralise. They should say, "I |
| CHILD'S BEHAVIOUR | | | | heard that you...(state the action) ...that is not |
| Kids Behaviour Tip 1) Remember how much you loved | | | | acceptable. I would like you to think about how you |
| your children when they were born. Remember that | | | | can make sure that this does not happen again. The |
| your ultimate aim is to have a happy, contented | | | | purpose of this call is to let your child know that their |
| relationship with them where you spend time together | | | | behaviour is not a secret that you will keep. It also |
| and enjoy each other's company. | | | | gives them the message that the behaviour is not |
| You may feel that your children aren't interested in | | | | acceptable and that everyone they know will expect |
| spending time with you, you may think they are only | | | | them to think about their actions for the future. |
| interested in their computer games; their friends; their | | | | Kids Behaviour Tip 8) Prepare your children in advance |
| toys; TV programmes the list goes on...There are two | | | | of new situations or potential 'hot spots.' |
| ways of tackling this, join them for a time at something | | | | E.g. Trips, friends coming to play, parties, if you think |
| they like doing and engage in conversation during the | | | | they may misbehave, pre-empt it. State your |
| activity or invite them to do something with you, bake | | | | expectations in the positive (i.e. what you do expect, |
| a cake, paint a pottery item, play a game, read a book, | | | | rather than what you don't want.) Ensure they know |
| write a letter, paint a room, go for a walk, go | | | | that you will be noticing and how pleased and proud |
| swimming, go for a bike ride...If you have more than | | | | you will be. Don't threaten or bribe, just reinforce your |
| one child try to give each some individual time as well | | | | expectations. |
| as time together. One day they will be grown up, it | | | | Kids Behaviour Tip 9) Be prepared for the ways in |
| comes quicker than you think, and you want to have | | | | which your children may try to regain their power. |
| these happy memories of times spent together. | | | | If they can they will draw you back into your negative |
| Kids Behaviour Tip 2) Understand your child's needs, | | | | discipline patterns and then they will have won the |
| whilst you should not spoil your children by giving them | | | | battle. Forewarned is forearmed, be prepared for any |
| everything they want, it is your responsibility as their | | | | of the following and be prepared with these new |
| parent to provide for their needs:- | | | | responses. These responses are impossible to argue |
| Physical needs include:- | | | | with. They are designed to end the arguments that |
| • air to breathe, | | | | your children are subconsciously trying to draw you |
| • Water, | | | | into. They acknowledge how your child is feeling but |
| • nutritious food, | | | | they do not get an emotional response from you:- |
| • sufficient sleep, | | | | • Tantrums, crying, screaming and shouting. You |
| • stimulation our senses, | | | | say, "I understand you feel angry/hurt/upset and I am |
| • exercise our muscles, | | | | sorry about that." (End there, not buts or explanations |
| • sufficient and secure shelter. | | | | on your part.) |
| Emotional needs (The Main Focus of Human Givens | | | | • Deliberate defiance. You say, "I understand that |
| Psychology) include:- | | | | you don't want to do this." (End there, don't explain why |
| • Security — safe territory and an environment | | | | they must.) |
| which allows us to develop fully, | | | | • Laughing at you. You say,” You find this funny |
| • Attention (to give and receive it) — a form of | | | | but I do not." (End there, walk away, no more needs to |
| nutrition, | | | | be said) |
| • Sense of autonomy and control — having | | | | • Saying "I hate you." or "You don't love Me." or |
| volition to make responsible choices, | | | | "You're a terrible mother/father." or "You don't care |
| • Emotional intimacy — to know that at least one | | | | about me."You say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." (End |
| other person accepts us totally for who we are, | | | | there, don't be tempted to tell them all the things you |
| “warts 'n' all” | | | | do that prove that you do care, that you are a good |
| • Feeling part of a wider community, | | | | mother/father etc. Just acknowledge their feelings and |
| • Privacy — opportunity to reflect and consolidate | | | | say no more. |
| experience, | | | | |