| The longer I am a parent and the more I watch what | | | | What happens next is I've tried to make myself feel |
| is happening to our world in terms of violence, crime | | | | better and lavished them with love and material things |
| and desperation, the more I believe, as parents, we | | | | in a pathetic attempt to alleviate the guilt. I bet any |
| have lost the art of relying on our own instincts when it | | | | parent, particularly a mum, reading this would be |
| comes to bringing up our children. By this I mean, | | | | nodding their heads in agreement. So often we all get |
| remembering how we were brought up, relying on our | | | | caught up in this vicious circle. |
| own values and having an understanding of what it is | | | | Don't get me wrong, the people who write these |
| we really want for our children - not what the world | | | | books are well educated and their methods have been |
| "expects" us to want for our children. I'm not saying | | | | tried and proven. In an ideal world these methods |
| that a change in parenting can fix all the problems in | | | | probably work a treat. However in the real world, the |
| the world, and I also know there are many | | | | average mum and dad work long hours, come home |
| socio-economic factors that come into play that can't | | | | tired, the kids are tired from a long day at school and |
| be fixed easily. However as a fairly mainstream | | | | after school care, homework needs to be done, dinner |
| parent, I feel that we have lost the ability to be | | | | needs to be cooked, washing, ironing, cleaning up and |
| ordinary, which is resulting in our children growing up | | | | maybe, if they are lucky, mum and dad get to spend 5 |
| with over inflated expectations of what the world | | | | minutes alone together at the end of the night. During |
| should be offering them. | | | | this period everyone's patience is tested and |
| I believe most kids are too pampered and are not | | | | arguments and defiance reign. Kids get yelled at, |
| being taught to tough things out and I put my hand up | | | | sometimes smacked, mums and dads can get testy |
| as being totally guilty of doing this. I am a divorced | | | | with each other and at times things are said that |
| parent and have two teenage boys. I have | | | | noone means. This is real life. |
| see-sawed between disciplining and pampering my | | | | I am an ordinary mum who is trying to do her best to |
| children for the last 10 years. Why do I do this? | | | | bring up happy healthy children in a world that is |
| Because I feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty? Because I | | | | becoming more complicated by the decade. Most of |
| receive so much information about being a perfect | | | | us were brought up with yelling and some smacking |
| parent and when I fail I feel guilty and pamper my | | | | because most of our parents didn't have access to all |
| children in an attempt to alleviate this guilt. I also do it | | | | the current material on parenting. My parents were far |
| because my children aren't with both parents all the | | | | from perfect (oh you have no idea - that's another |
| time. I do it because I work long hours and can't spend | | | | blog), as were many of my friends parents, but we |
| as much time with them as I think I should. I suffer from | | | | have all turned into decent people who are trying to |
| "mother guilt" which I believe should be extended to be | | | | live our lives respecting others and trying to do the |
| called "parent guilt" because I'm sure many dad's feel | | | | best we can. |
| the same. | | | | We've all done the wrong thing at times, we've all hurt |
| As parents, we are constantly looking for advice - | | | | other people and we've all made bad decisions. We all |
| affirmation we are doing the right thing. We are also | | | | have our own problems, some of us suffer depression, |
| looking for simple, effective ways to help us have kind, | | | | some of us need anger management, some of us are |
| loving and obedient kids. We look for this in | | | | calm and unflappable and so on. I think we are losing |
| newspapers, magazines, parenting books and | | | | sight of the fact that this is what being a human being |
| anywhere we can get a snippet of information that | | | | is about. It's about living our lives - it isn't about being |
| can guide us. I should know, I have a shelf in my | | | | perfect. We are setting our kids up for a lifetime of |
| bookcase dedicated to parenting books. I'm not | | | | disappointments by trying to make their childhood |
| knocking these as in times of desperation I have found | | | | perfect. |
| solace in their pages. | | | | I believe that if we weren't made to feel so guilty |
| I don't live in an ideal situation, I have shared care with | | | | about this need to be perfect, we could get on with |
| my ex husband for the past 10 years and we don't | | | | the job of giving these precious kids of ours an |
| have the same parenting values. Many experts will say | | | | extraordinary life by being plain old ordinary parents. |
| this is less than ideal situation and as parents we | | | | My ordinary wants for my children are that they stay |
| should get our act together and put the kids first, but, | | | | healthy, be kind and respectful to others, find many |
| hey listen to this newsflash, no one lives in an ideal | | | | moments of happiness, learn to deal with sadness, |
| situation. There are so many variants on what | | | | disappointment and pain and, most of all, know how to |
| constitutes a family these days it is very difficult to rely | | | | love and be loved. I don't care if they don't make the A |
| on all these "experts" telling us just how we should be | | | | Grade soccer team, or the debating team or become |
| raising our children in their ideal world. | | | | the dux of the school. I do care that they try their |
| Here's another newsflash!! I've smacked my boys, I've | | | | hardest, enjoy playing sport and choose a profession |
| yelled at them, I've said nasty things to them in the | | | | that suits them, be it a doctor or a taxi driver. |
| heat of the moment, I've made them feel guilty, I've | | | | Let's focus more on being ordinary. I believe if more |
| ranted and raved and carried on like a fish wife. I've | | | | parents were made to feel good about being ordinary |
| read books on parenting in a desperate attempt to | | | | parents, rather than being pressured to be perfect, our |
| work out why my children are so bad, and then felt | | | | kids would grow up with a more balanced perspective |
| incredibly guilty about the emotional scars I've now | | | | on life. |
| thrust upon them as a result of my bad parenting skills. | | | | |