Adoptive Family Identity Formation

Adoptive Family Identity Formation can be defined asresponds by rejecting those members of the family
the way in which the family system transforms(usually the parents) who are trying to claim the child
emotionally, spiritually, and physically from itsand encourage attachment.
pre-adoptive state to one that embraces and reflectsThere are a number of strategies that a family can
the recently placed child. This transformation has touse to enhance family identity formation. These include:
occur not only the first time a family adopts, but each1. Allow time - the transformation generally takes at
time a child arrives. After all, each child brings newleast 18 months to 2 years. This is a process that can't
energy, new challenges, new expectations, new hopes,be rushed.
and new ideas; and, the family has to change as it2. Accept that the whole family must transform into
integrates these into the overall system.something new, not just the newly placed child
If the members of the family system don't make the3. Develop family rituals such as having pizza and a
shift to include the new child, then the child will be stuckDVD every Friday night, or going to church together on
in the outer limits of the family, never really belonging.Sunday, or a family swim every Saturday afternoon.
And, if the family system resists transforming, then the4. Teach the values of the family to the new child.
child's adjustment behaviors will be interpreted asDon't assume that they can pick up what's important
challenging behaviors and the child will not be able toto the rest of you simply by observing. Talk about your
move on with attachment.values and the meaning they have in your lives. It might
Unfortunately, transformations are never easybe good for the children in your home to get a
because people resist change, even change theyre-fresher course on what you value.
have invited. And, adjusting to a new person and5. Take lots of family pictures and place them
resolving and absorbing their impact on the familyprominently. Let the whole family see pictures of all
system means that everyone has to shift and changeyou together, including the new child.
a little, sometimes a lot. If the child has behavioral6. Find and define a role for your newly placed child. If
challenges, as most older adopted children have, thenthe child is musical, talk about them bringing music to
there is going to be more resistance to change asyour family. If they are athletic, talk about them being
some members of the family system are confusedthe sports guy in the family. This is a time where using
about who the child is and what he needs in order toa label (a positive one) can be very helpful.
belong.7. Play together. Find activities that involve all, or at
Here are some other challenges to family identityleast, most members of the family system. Try some
formation that come from the child:activities that you have never done before so that the
1. the child has divided loyalties to former foster familyrecently placed child isn't the only one who is new to
or genetic parentsthe activity.
2. self-protection - the child is afraid of or expects8. Have family meetings weekly so that everyone can
rejectionshare in how things are going and add ideas and
3. the child has learned to live like a boarder due toenergy. Teach the child how your family meetings
many moves but lacks belonging skillswork and help the child to participate until she gets the
4. the child feels stolen from former family and is stuckhang of it.
with significant, unspoken loss issues9. At dinner time, ask everyone to say what they did
5. the child doesn't feel entitled to join new familyto make the family stronger during the day. If any of
6. the child has pre-existing conditions such as FAS,the children can't think of something, the parents can
Oppositional Defiant Disorder, etc that make it hard tosuggest it. For example, a child can say that they
attach and to belongjoined a community group such as Cadets which
These factors can make it hard for the child to mergereflects well on the family or that they volunteered to
into the family and can be a barrier between the childhelp at a school event.
and her new parents.Forming a new family identity can be a positive
There are also some challenges to family identityexperience for all family members if they know ahead
formation that come from the family. These include:that change is expected, that change is normal after
1. family expectation too much and too soon from thean adoption, and that change can be a benefit to all.
childThey also need to have words for the experience so
2. some members of the family don't want to includeparents can use family meetings to talk about how the
the child because they are put off by his behaviorsfamily is changing and re-forming and to identify the
3. some family members don't want to put out thefeelings that various family members experience as
effort to integrate the new child (ie a 15 year old whothey go through the experience. Parents should use
has an age appropriate disinterest in sharing a room orpositive statements to discuss this and they should role
changing a routine or schedule for a new sibling)model positive feelings about the change -even if they
4. the family doesn't have a full understanding of theare struggling with the transformation themselves.
needs of the child due to a lack of properIn other words, the formation of adoptive family identity
assessments or lack of information about the childis about belonging - the child learns to belong to the
5. not all family members wanted the adoptionfamily and the family members learn to belong to the
6. some members of the family system resent furtherchild. In doing so, they come together to form a group,
sharing the parents' time and energythe family, that is stronger and more capable than they
The resistance to change by the existing familywere before the child arrived.
system can feel like rejection to the child who, in turn,