| Most child raising books and internet sites still promote | | | | needs to be combined with other disciplinary measures, |
| time-outs as an effective discipline tool because it | | | | possibly several, as children get older, but this in turn |
| 'gives your child an opportunity to learn to cope with | | | | makes it difficult for parents to be consistent in their |
| frustration and modify his behavior. This sounds good | | | | discipline. Timeouts and consequences require parents |
| in theory but, as most parents find out, this is a very | | | | to be adaptive and reactive and on the balls of their |
| ineffective technique for most people. | | | | feet all the time. This is not a good foundation to |
| Why don't timeouts work? | | | | consistent discipline. Consistency is a cornerstone of |
| 1) It requires parents to delay discipline until the child is | | | | good discipline as it teaches children their boundaries. |
| old enough to accept time-outs which is at about 3 | | | | So what are your choices if you forgo timeouts? |
| years old. So that is a crucial 2 years of training that is | | | | A more effective method is to return to more old |
| missed when parents can establish their authority. | | | | fashioned methods of discipline. The old fashioned |
| 2) Parents run the risk of looking ineffectual and foolish | | | | methods of parenting worked because the focus was |
| when the toddler runs away or wiggles or screams or | | | | on bringing up children as a part of the family, |
| sits when you said stand or vice versa. Parents lose | | | | community and society instead of making them feel |
| authority when it becomes clear to a child that mum | | | | like they were the centre of the universe. It worked |
| and dad aren't in charge. | | | | because discipline was consistently enforced without |
| 3) The lesson the parent is trying to teach is often lost | | | | anger so children could absorb the correction and still |
| because of the delay in getting the child to do the | | | | view their parents with respect and a little healthy awe. |
| time-out. | | | | 1) Parents can use smacking. If you ignore the modern |
| 4) Time-outs can last too long in relation to the offense | | | | dogma about it, a smack on the hand delivered by a |
| for young ones or not long enough with older children. It | | | | calm parent is still very effective as a discipline tool. It is |
| is difficult to get the balance right. Experts say a | | | | the anger behind discipline which is damaging to |
| time-out shouldn't last more than 30 secs until a child is | | | | children so parents should never smack when they |
| 3 but what can a toddler learn in 30 seconds? It takes | | | | are angry. An effective smack is a correction, not a |
| that long to hold them still! The only technique that | | | | punishment so it should not sting for more than a few |
| works with small children is a firm tap on the hand or | | | | seconds and must always be administered in the first |
| bottom by a loving, calm parent. That is the reason it | | | | instance, rather than as a last resort. |
| has been used for so many generations. | | | | 2) If you have young children and are reluctant to |
| When to start discipline | | | | smack, try Steven Biddulph's (Secrets of Happy |
| Baby experts suggest holding off on discipline until your | | | | Children) approach. He suggests these steps:a) be |
| child understands what's acceptable and not | | | | clear in your own mind that your request is not open to |
| (somewhere around the third birthday). In the | | | | debate. It is a demand that you have a right to make.b) |
| meantime, they recommend childproofing your home | | | | make sure your child is looking at you and paying |
| to reduce opportunities for mischief and use distraction | | | | attention before you give instructions.c) be clear with |
| to redirect your child to more suitable activities. This | | | | your child about what you want and make sure you |
| strategy is a flawed one. Letting your child have the | | | | get a 'yes' or 'no' answer.d) repeat the command if |
| run of your home - and you- for three years and then | | | | necessary but do not enter into debate. You are |
| turning around and saying 'now you have to listen to | | | | signalling to the child that you will persist in this without |
| me' is a recipe for a battle of wills. | | | | getting upset.e) stay close until the job is done. |
| Discipline is an essential part of parenting: it builds firm | | | | Afterwards, don't make a big fuss of it, just smile and |
| boundaries for children, making them feel safe and | | | | say 'good'. |
| trusting, and it leads to children being able to discipline | | | | An interesting point is that timeouts are actually quite |
| themselves which is an essential quality for being a | | | | effective with the age group that people usually don't |
| mature, responsible adult. Children will not learn these | | | | use them for - school age kids and teens. When your |
| boundaries through parents AVOIDING discipline. | | | | teen gets a bit lippy, sending them to the most boring |
| Establishing your authority before the child reaches an | | | | room room (ie.the toilet) in the home to rethink their |
| age to rebel is sensible and the early years are a | | | | actions works a treat. Older kids find it hard to stay |
| perfect time to teach your child to listen to you and to | | | | angry or stubborn in an environment completely lacking |
| realize that there are rules. Childproofing your home so | | | | in stimuli. |
| your child is not in danger is essential, of course, but | | | | Whatever you choose to do, the basic principles of |
| removing opportunities for mischief and distraction | | | | good discipline remain the same:a) always be calm (or |
| means removing opportunities for teaching an early but | | | | appear to be calm) when disciplining children,b) choose |
| crucial first lesson - 'YES/NO'. By the time he is a | | | | only 1 or 2 disciplinary measures that you will always |
| toddler, he will already have mastered several rules | | | | use,c) be consistent in what you do and how you do it, |
| and some manners. By the time he is three, he will be | | | | andd) never argue or reason with your children as it |
| used to following your authority and will already know | | | | invariably leads to heated scenes that diminish your |
| the boundaries of behavior required in his home. | | | | authority. |
| The need to combine timeouts with other disciplinary | | | | And, of courses, be loving and courteous to your |
| measures | | | | children. In the end, families are meant to be a comfort |
| It is hard to avoid the conclusion that timeouts are an | | | | and a joy, not a battle zone. |
| ineffectual way to discipline children. To be effective, it | | | | |