| You hear screams and howls! You watch fist flail and | | | | course, you don't hate the sweater that Grandma knit |
| feet kick. Overwhelmed by tension, confusion or | | | | for you. See how pretty it is!" |
| helplessness you think, Oh no! Another temper tantrum! | | | | Offer an acceptable alternative choice: "I won't buy |
| What do I do now?" | | | | candy, but you can decide on whether you want fish |
| You may be relieved to learn that you are not alone in | | | | crackers or a banana." |
| being bombarded with temper tantrums. Great fury | | | | One or more of these additional strategies can come |
| from small beings is common from the second year of | | | | in handy: |
| life through age four. There is good news! Some | | | | Find a way to say "yes!" Avoid "No! You may not |
| simple techniques can help during this period of | | | | have candy!" Try "Yes, you may have something to |
| development. | | | | eat as soon as we get in the car. You decide if you |
| The first step is to understand which kind of tantrum is | | | | want fish crackers or a banana." |
| in force. Is the tantrum manipulative, verbal frustration, | | | | Hold your child and give loving hugs. |
| or temperamental? Manipulative tantrums occur when | | | | Offer verbal reassurance: "You are upset, but you will |
| the child does not get her own way. It will stop when it | | | | recover." "When you calm down, we can think of |
| is ignored. The child erupts, the parent calmly walks | | | | something to make you feel better." |
| away. Before long the tantrum subsides, and the child | | | | If your child cannot stand being touched when upset, |
| sobs into contrition. Some parents prefer to remove | | | | remain close while uttering reassuring phrases. "Your |
| the child to her room, "When you are through with your | | | | anger has gotten out of control. I will help you calm |
| tantrum, you may come back and join us." | | | | down." |
| Young children don't actually plot out, "Okay, I'm not | | | | If your child is being aggressive, restrain her gently but |
| getting my own way, so I'll throw a fit." They fall apart | | | | firmly. "You are feeling angry but you don't need to hit. |
| without thinking. But if the parent gives in to stop the | | | | Use words to say you are mad." |
| tantrum, the behavior is rewarded and reinforced, | | | | Encourage your child to take some deep breaths: |
| leading to tantrum blackmail. Unless the child is hurting | | | | "Take a big breath and blow all your mad into this |
| himself or another, explain why you cannot satisfy | | | | pretend balloon." Expand your hands to emulate a |
| your child's desire and offer an alternative. Beyond | | | | swelling balloon. Repeat this a few times, blowing more |
| that, grit your teeth, breathe deeply, and try to think of | | | | pretend balloons. |
| something pleasant, while occupying yourself with an | | | | Help your child find a means of comfort. A special |
| activity. | | | | blanket or toy brings comfort to some children, while |
| Ignoring is difficult if you are on an outing. If you are at | | | | others seek out a favorite person. "You are upset that |
| the park or a friend's house, explain why you couldn't | | | | I must leave. I know you would like to come with me, |
| satisfy the request, and bring the child home. "Climbing | | | | but my job is to go to work, while your job is to stay |
| the spiral slide is not safe. You could get hurt. When | | | | at school. Let's take your blanket and find Teacher Jill |
| you scream and yell, we have to go home. We'll come | | | | to be with you." |
| again another day." The grocery store is the most | | | | Use a distraction such as a song, a book, or a favorite |
| challenging time to deal with a manipulative tantrum. | | | | activity. One teacher has success by singing a song to |
| Step out of the checkout line temporarily with your | | | | the child on her lap as she draws a "Feel Better |
| child, "Excuse me, I need to deal with this . Go ahead | | | | Picture:" "I am drawing a feel better picture for Joshua. |
| of me, please." Ignore the looks of others. If they | | | | Here's a green dot on Joshua's picture. A yellow dot |
| haven't been through this ordeal, they've never had | | | | goes here." As Joshua begins to show some interest, |
| children. Their approval is irrelevant. Try offering your | | | | she sings, "Now where shall I put my red dot?" Before |
| child another alternative; if that fails, explain that you will | | | | long Joshua is directing where the dots go by pointing |
| wait with the child until she is back in control. Unless | | | | to the page. When the teacher senses the time is right, |
| you want to replay this scenario on each shopping trip, | | | | she encourages Joshua to draw the dots himself. |
| do not give in to the demand. As you plan your next | | | | Tantrums can be as hard on parents as they are on |
| shopping trip, let your child know that you will be going | | | | children. Evaluating the situation at a nontemper time |
| alone. After your child has missed one shopping | | | | can strengthen coping skills. |
| excursion, try again. Before departing, explain your | | | | Analyze the outbursts to find some patterns: Are the |
| expectations, "I am going to the grocery store. You | | | | tantrums occurring at a special time of day? Do they |
| may go with me, but we won't be buying you anything. | | | | occur more in certain locations or when a particular |
| However, you may push the basket ." | | | | person is around? What has happened right before |
| A second type of tantrum is the verbal frustration | | | | the tantrum? |
| tantrum. These tantrums occur when the child knows | | | | Take preventative steps based on your analysis. If |
| what she wants but lacks the verbal skills to | | | | your child frequently has a fit leaving school, arrive |
| communicate clearly. Frustration boils over, and the | | | | early to spend some time with her in an activity. Since |
| drama begins. Ignoring these tantrums makes the child | | | | children react negatively to rushing, prepare your child |
| even more frustrated. Validate the anger by helping | | | | for transitions and allow adequate time. "In five minutes |
| your child label her feelings. Then problem-solve: "You | | | | it will be time to gather up your things and go home. |
| are feeling mad and pulling at your stomach. I wonder if | | | | This is the time to finish your project." If your child is |
| that belt it too tight?" If you are lucky, your child will nod | | | | often irrational before dinner, decide if she is hungry or |
| yes, and you can offer help. "We can loosen that belt." | | | | wants your attention. Offer a wholesome snack while |
| If you guessed wrong, ask the child to show you what | | | | you are fixing the meal, or let her help you fix the meal. |
| is bothering her or to point to the problem. Verbal | | | | If tantrums occur often at bedtime, consider whether |
| frustration tantrums subside as children's | | | | she is getting enough rest. Perhaps bedtime should be |
| communication skills improve. | | | | earlier before total exhaustion is reached. Are activities |
| A third type of tantrum occurs when the child's | | | | before bed over stimulating? |
| frustration level reaches the rage stage, and he | | | | Evaluate honestly how you react when your child |
| becomes totally out of control, falling apart emotionally. | | | | goes into tantrum mode? Do you lose your cool and |
| This is the temperamental tantrum. The child may be | | | | become angry? |
| too tired or tremendously disappointed. As with verbal | | | | Plan your most effective means of controlling your |
| frustration tantrums, temperamental tantrums are | | | | own reactions to the tantrums. It is not easy to stay |
| seldom cured by ignoring. The child can rarely gain | | | | calm when your child is carrying on forcefully. Try |
| control alone. Feeling irritable, cross and excitable is | | | | talking silently to yourself. "I don't like this outburst; it |
| scary, confusing and disorienting for children. It is difficult | | | | makes me feel angry, but I don't have to lose my |
| to concentrate and to regain control. Even if they don't | | | | temper, too. I can model calmness for my child. We |
| ask for help, these children need it. The following | | | | can get through this." Some parents count to ten or |
| techniques can help your child regain composure. | | | | twenty, some parents sing or whistle to gain control; |
| Take a deep breath and try to remain calm yourself. | | | | some parents take a few deep breaths. Experiment |
| Always validate that your child is indeed angry. "That | | | | until you find a techniques that works for you. |
| makes you very angry, doesn't it?" | | | | Talk to other parents and get tips from them. |
| Encourage your child to verbalize her feelings and | | | | Remember that when you lose control, it is doubly |
| desires. "Use your words to tell me you are angry. Tell | | | | hard for your child to gain composure. |
| me what you want." Putting feelings and desires into | | | | If your child's tantrums are extreme and frequent, if |
| words is empowering for children and helps them to | | | | you are finding it difficult to control your own anger, or |
| understand their frustration. | | | | if abuse is involved or even a temptation, get some |
| Acknowledge what your child does or does not want. | | | | outside help. A few sessions with a therapist can give |
| "You are ripping off that sweater. You can tell me with | | | | you a fresh perspective with some successful coping |
| words that you don't want to wear it." Nothing | | | | methods. |
| escalates anger faster than having it discounted. "Of | | | | |