| You hear screams and howls! You watch fist | | | | See how pretty it is!" |
| flail and feet kick. Overwhelmed by tension, | | | | |
| confusion or helplessness you think, Oh no! | | | | Offer an acceptable alternative choice: "I |
| Another temper tantrum! What do I do now?" | | | | won't buy candy, but you can decide on |
| | | | whether you want fish crackers or a banana." |
| You may be relieved to learn that you are not | | | | |
| alone in being bombarded with temper | | | | One or more of these additional strategies |
| tantrums. Great fury from small beings is | | | | can come in handy: |
| common from the second year of life through | | | | |
| age four. There is good news! Some simple | | | | Find a way to say "yes!" Avoid "No! You may |
| techniques can help during this period of | | | | not have candy!" Try "Yes, you may have |
| development. | | | | something to eat as soon as we get in the |
| | | | car. You decide if you want fish crackers or |
| The first step is to understand which kind of | | | | a banana." |
| tantrum is in force. Is the tantrum | | | | |
| manipulative, verbal frustration, or | | | | Hold your child and give loving hugs. |
| temperamental? Manipulative tantrums occur | | | | |
| when the child does not get her own way. It | | | | Offer verbal reassurance: "You are upset, but |
| will stop when it is ignored. The child | | | | you will recover." "When you calm down, we |
| erupts, the parent calmly walks away. Before | | | | can think of something to make you feel |
| long the tantrum subsides, and the child sobs | | | | better." |
| into contrition. Some parents prefer to | | | | |
| remove the child to her room, "When you are | | | | If your child cannot stand being touched when |
| through with your tantrum, you may come back | | | | upset, remain close while uttering reassuring |
| and join us." | | | | phrases. "Your anger has gotten out of |
| | | | control. I will help you calm down." |
| Young children don't actually plot out, | | | | |
| "Okay, I'm not getting my own way, so I'll | | | | If your child is being aggressive, restrain |
| throw a fit." They fall apart without | | | | her gently but firmly. "You are feeling angry |
| thinking. But if the parent gives in to stop | | | | but you don't need to hit. Use words to say |
| the tantrum, the behavior is rewarded and | | | | you are mad." |
| reinforced, leading to tantrum blackmail. | | | | |
| Unless the child is hurting himself or | | | | Encourage your child to take some deep |
| another, explain why you cannot satisfy your | | | | breaths: "Take a big breath and blow all your |
| child's desire and offer an alternative. | | | | mad into this pretend balloon." Expand your |
| Beyond that, grit your teeth, breathe deeply, | | | | hands to emulate a swelling balloon. Repeat |
| and try to think of something pleasant, while | | | | this a few times, blowing more pretend |
| occupying yourself with an activity. | | | | balloons. |
| | | | |
| Ignoring is difficult if you are on an | | | | Help your child find a means of comfort. A |
| outing. If you are at the park or a friend's | | | | special blanket or toy brings comfort to some |
| house, explain why you couldn't satisfy the | | | | children, while others seek out a favorite |
| request, and bring the child home. "Climbing | | | | person. "You are upset that I must leave. I |
| the spiral slide is not safe. You could get | | | | know you would like to come with me, but my |
| hurt. When you scream and yell, we have to go | | | | job is to go to work, while your job is to |
| home. We'll come again another day." The | | | | stay at school. Let's take your blanket and |
| grocery store is the most challenging time to | | | | find Teacher Jill to be with you." |
| deal with a manipulative tantrum. Step out of | | | | |
| the checkout line temporarily with your | | | | Use a distraction such as a song, a book, or |
| child, "Excuse me, I need to deal with this . | | | | a favorite activity. One teacher has success |
| Go ahead of me, please." Ignore the looks of | | | | by singing a song to the child on her lap as |
| others. If they haven't been through this | | | | she draws a "Feel Better Picture:" "I am |
| ordeal, they've never had children. Their | | | | drawing a feel better picture for Joshua. |
| approval is irrelevant. Try offering your | | | | Here's a green dot on Joshua's picture. A |
| child another alternative; if that fails, | | | | yellow dot goes here." As Joshua begins to |
| explain that you will wait with the child | | | | show some interest, she sings, "Now where |
| until she is back in control. Unless you want | | | | shall I put my red dot?" Before long Joshua |
| to replay this scenario on each shopping | | | | is directing where the dots go by pointing to |
| trip, do not give in to the demand. As you | | | | the page. When the teacher senses the time is |
| plan your next shopping trip, let your child | | | | right, she encourages Joshua to draw the dots |
| know that you will be going alone. After your | | | | himself. |
| child has missed one shopping excursion, try | | | | |
| again. Before departing, explain your | | | | Tantrums can be as hard on parents as they |
| expectations, "I am going to the grocery | | | | are on children. Evaluating the situation at |
| store. You may go with me, but we won't be | | | | a nontemper time can strengthen coping |
| buying you anything. However, you may push | | | | skills. |
| the basket ." | | | | |
| | | | Analyze the outbursts to find some patterns: |
| A second type of tantrum is the verbal | | | | Are the tantrums occurring at a special time |
| frustration tantrum. These tantrums occur | | | | of day? Do they occur more in certain |
| when the child knows what she wants but lacks | | | | locations or when a particular person is |
| the verbal skills to communicate clearly. | | | | around? What has happened right before the |
| Frustration boils over, and the drama begins. | | | | tantrum? |
| Ignoring these tantrums makes the child even | | | | |
| more frustrated. Validate the anger by | | | | Take preventative steps based on your |
| helping your child label her feelings. Then | | | | analysis. If your child frequently has a fit |
| problem-solve: "You are feeling mad and | | | | leaving school, arrive early to spend some |
| pulling at your stomach. I wonder if that | | | | time with her in an activity. Since children |
| belt it too tight?" If you are lucky, your | | | | react negatively to rushing, prepare your |
| child will nod yes, and you can offer help. | | | | child for transitions and allow adequate |
| "We can loosen that belt." If you guessed | | | | time. "In five minutes it will be time to |
| wrong, ask the child to show you what is | | | | gather up your things and go home. This is |
| bothering her or to point to the problem. | | | | the time to finish your project." If your |
| Verbal frustration tantrums subside as | | | | child is often irrational before dinner, |
| children's communication skills improve. | | | | decide if she is hungry or wants your |
| | | | attention. Offer a wholesome snack while you |
| A third type of tantrum occurs when the | | | | are fixing the meal, or let her help you fix |
| child's frustration level reaches the rage | | | | the meal. If tantrums occur often at bedtime, |
| stage, and he becomes totally out of control, | | | | consider whether she is getting enough rest. |
| falling apart emotionally. This is the | | | | Perhaps bedtime should be earlier before |
| temperamental tantrum. The child may be too | | | | total exhaustion is reached. Are activities |
| tired or tremendously disappointed. As with | | | | before bed over stimulating? |
| verbal frustration tantrums, temperamental | | | | |
| tantrums are seldom cured by ignoring. The | | | | Evaluate honestly how you react when your |
| child can rarely gain control alone. Feeling | | | | child goes into tantrum mode? Do you lose |
| irritable, cross and excitable is scary, | | | | your cool and become angry? |
| confusing and disorienting for children. It | | | | |
| is difficult to concentrate and to regain | | | | Plan your most effective means of controlling |
| control. Even if they don't ask for help, | | | | your own reactions to the tantrums. It is not |
| these children need it. The following | | | | easy to stay calm when your child is carrying |
| techniques can help your child regain | | | | on forcefully. Try talking silently to |
| composure. | | | | yourself. "I don't like this outburst; it |
| | | | makes me feel angry, but I don't have to lose |
| Take a deep breath and try to remain calm | | | | my temper, too. I can model calmness for my |
| yourself. | | | | child. We can get through this." Some parents |
| | | | count to ten or twenty, some parents sing or |
| Always validate that your child is indeed | | | | whistle to gain control; some parents take a |
| angry. "That makes you very angry, doesn't | | | | few deep breaths. Experiment until you find a |
| it?" | | | | techniques that works for you. |
| | | | |
| Encourage your child to verbalize her | | | | Talk to other parents and get tips from them. |
| feelings and desires. "Use your words to tell | | | | |
| me you are angry. Tell me what you want." | | | | Remember that when you lose control, it is |
| Putting feelings and desires into words is | | | | doubly hard for your child to gain composure. |
| empowering for children and helps them to | | | | |
| understand their frustration. | | | | If your child's tantrums are extreme and |
| | | | frequent, if you are finding it difficult to |
| Acknowledge what your child does or does not | | | | control your own anger, or if abuse is |
| want. "You are ripping off that sweater. You | | | | involved or even a temptation, get some |
| can tell me with words that you don't want to | | | | outside help. A few sessions with a therapist |
| wear it." Nothing escalates anger faster than | | | | can give you a fresh perspective with some |
| having it discounted. "Of course, you don't | | | | successful coping methods. |
| hate the sweater that Grandma knit for you. | | | | |